Through his eyes

Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?

~Henry David Thoreau

"Do you see anything in this picture that you could trace with your finger?" the woman would ask. 

"No.  Just dots," he responded.



One of many "dot pictures" they use for the test for color vision deficiencies. Click here for a few more.



It has actually been well over a month since I sat in the exam room of the opthamologist with Cortlan, watching him quietly look at page after page of images and numbers that I could clearly see, but that just looked like dots to him.  As I mentioned before, my dad is colorblind, and I knew that Cortlan had a 50-50 shot at having a color vision deficiency, as well, as the gene is passed through the mother.  Different incidents had given me pause and reason to suspect that Cortlan was indeed colorblind, but the test results left no doubt.

As far as genetic anomalies go, a color vision deficiency is really no big deal.  It is not terribly uncommon, and people with the deficiency lead perfectly normal lives, of course.  But, as a mom, I couldn't (can't?) help but to feel for my little guy.  He will never know what colors look like to me, and I guess that is ok.  He has his own "normal."  But, perhaps more bothersome to me is that I will never know what colors look like to him.  I wish I could see the world through his eyes, see what he sees.

I knew quite a bit from my dad already, but I have done tons of research since Cortlan's diagnosis.  The basic idea is that the cones in his eyes are not all sensitive to the same range of frequencies of light that mine are.  There are many different types and degrees of color blindness, depending on which of the three cones are affected and by how much.  As there is no easy way to see what he sees, I have to learn through observation. 

Recently, Cortlan was eating some colorful goldfish:

Cortlan, holding up a fish: It's the one I was looking for!

Me: Which one?

Cortlan: The one that matches the picture!

Me: And what color is that?

Cortlan, pausing, searching for the best answer: Black.


The dark red goldfish "matched" the dark green one on the carton.  Not the best picture, but I think you get the idea.


But later that same day, he asked, "Which one does Mommy use?  The red or the green?" referring to the exercise bands that were on the floor.

Cortlan has learned to correctly identify brighter shades of red and green, though he does not actually see these colors as I do.

There are other incidents that have shed some light on what difficulties Cortlan may have.  Drawing with sidewalk chalk on the driveway, for example, made it clear that he has some trouble with some other colors, as well, as he drew apples on a tree.  To me, the apples were brown and the tree was turquoise.  Put those colors on a cement grey background, and to Cortlan, you have have a perfectly normal looking apple tree.

I think that Cortlan has a pretty good idea that he sees things a little differently.  At the very least, he knows that sometime colors can be tricky for him.  But he has also learned to cover well.  Not long ago, Everly wanted to color with markers.  I gave Cortlan four to give to her, and I told him to tell her the colors as he gave them to her, so she can learn them.  One by one, he handed them to her.  "This one is yellow.  Can you say yellow, Everly?  This one is blue.  Say blue.  This one is a green one."  And then, as he reached the one he had saved for last, "Do you know what color this one is?  I am not telling you.  You have to guess."  That one was a dark pink color.

We have tried to communicate with Cortlan about the fact that he may see colors differently than other people and that sometimes learning different colors can be hard.  When subtle shade changes actually represent entirely different colors, it is bound to be challenging. What I don't want is for him to feel stupid, or frustrated.  Unlike my dad, who didn't find out that he was colorblind until he was a preteen, we are lucky in that we were able to identify this color vision deficiency early, and can work with him and his teachers and understand the situation from the start.

Maybe Cortlan will encounter difficulties at times.  And perhaps someday his wife will have to help him pick out his clothes.  But he has assured us that he sees "lots of pretty colors."  And he is perfect in my eyes.

Some interesting references:
http://www.webexhibits.org/causesofcolor/2.html
http://colorvisiontesting.com/what%20colorblind%20people%20see.htm

Let's try again

It has been brought to my attention that a post I recently wrote might be somewhat misleading or that I may have misrepresented myself.  Now, I would hope that one post written in one state of mind would not be the sole representation of who I am as a person or a mother.  But, for some reason I feel the need to clear some things up:

• I love my kids and husband.  I would do anything for them.
• I sometimes wonder if people percieve me as selfish if I take time away from my family to exercise, but the reality is that if I am not happy and healthy, I cannot be a good mom or wife.  Exercise clears my mind, helps me be more patient, helps me be more efficient, gives me more energy...all things that benefit my entire family.
• I do not run every day of the week.  When I do, I am gone for 30-45 minutes on a weekday or a little longer on a Saturday morning.  I do not leave for hours at a time.  In the summers, when I am home, I leave before the kids are even awake in the morning.
• When I leave to run, the kids get to hang solo with Daddy, which they love, which he loves, and from which everyone benefits.
• I am not one to come up with creative ideas, but I can sure copy other people's ideas like a mo, and I do so with no shame.
• I have not made any popsicle stick creations with my kids, but have been known to do some handprint artwork...the ideas for which were copied completely from other people, but I hope that doesn't matter.
• I am "that mom"...sometimes.  And I do like being that mom when I can.  It happens more when I am home for the summer; it happened more when I was on maternity leave.  It would most likely not happen during that 30 minutes that I run on a weekday after school, even if I wasn't running.
• Yes, there are some things that I am unable to do with my kids.  There are only so many hours in a day.  But fortunately, while I am at work, my kids are with teachers that care about them at a wonderful school that has a phenomenal curriculum for little ones - they have music class where they learn about high notes and low notes and get to try different instruments.  Art?  I have art on my fridge, art on my walls, art stuffed into boxes.  Even Everly's two-year old class gets to go to the school library and pick a book each week.  Cortlan now knows more Spanish than I do and has had amazing multicultural experiences, from the Chinese guest teaching them about Chinese New Year to the women dressed in authentic Indian dress teaching them about Diwali.  (I had to Google it.  My kids got to experience a part of it.)  Is their day the same as it would be if they were with me?  Absolutely not.  But they love school and have tons of fun there.  I do not feel guilty about that.
• For their ages, my kids have an amazing perception of the importance of balance in life.
• We all have strengths and weaknesses.  We can't be everything at once.  That is okay.  Furthermore, we all have a bad day now and then.  That is okay, too.
• I love my kids and husband.  I would do anything for them.

Mother Approved

The video camera was sitting right on the counter, and it was a moment I would have loved to have recorded, but I knew that turning on the camera would have changed the entire dynamic.  So I just watched and enjoyed.

It was breakfast time, and Kix were on the menu.  For some reason, Everly insisted on using a fork to eat them, and would periodically say, "Mommy!  I needin hulp." 

"Give it a try, Ev," I would suggest.  "Or use your spoon.  It will be much easier."

"No!  Fok!"

And then, giving up on me, "Toelttan, I needin hulp!"

So Cortlan put his spoon down, picked up Everly's fork, scooped some Kix and fed them to her.

"Tank eww, Toelttan!"

He continued to patiently help her anytime she asked, and even shared some of his mango with her.

Granted, breakfast ended with the remains of a bowl full of Kix and milk spilled all over the floor and Ev's pants, but it was sweet while it lasted.

99% of the time

I had a day yesterday that started off with some Mommy Guilt, was sprinkled throughout with some Mommy Guilt, and then was topped with a nice heaping of Mommy Guilt. I don't know why, because 99% of the time, I am totally happy with the choices I have made and am pretty satisfied with my abilities as a mom, but on that one day of a hundred, things tends to hit hard. Without going into all of the details (because, really, that is not what this post is about), the cherry on top was that I read a very well written blog post that called to the forefront of my mind all of the things I can't do or won't be able to do with my kids due to the fact that I work outside the home. Ironically, the poster's point was that none of us as moms should apologize for the decisions that we make for our family, as we all do what is best for our situation. I totally agree and appreciated the read. I firmly believe that we all do what is best as moms, no defense necessary.  And I am beginning to see that Mommy Guilt just comes with the territory, no matter your choices.

Anyway, in my moment yesterday, I was trying to figure out what I could give up so as to be able to spend more time with my kids. Unless we don't want to eat or have clean clothes, I couldn't come up with anything.  I thought a little bit harder, and my thoughts landed on running.

Now, it was a hard winter that included injury recovery, and I didn't get out to run much, though I did take an occasional spin class. Most of the exercising that I have done has been in my basement after the kids have gone to bed.  But during the last two weeks of spring-like weather, the pavement has been calling my name, and I have responded. It has been great. I came back from a 4-mile run on Tuesday exuberant, refreshed. Why on Wednesday was I ready to give it all up? My only conclusion: Because I was losing my mind. And even in that moment, I realized I was losing my mind, so I enlisted the help of a community of women, the Run Like a Mother FB community, to talk me down from the ledge. And talk me down they did.

I literally cried as I read the words of encouragement and support from friends and strangers telling me everything I needed to hear, reminding me why I do what I do, reminding me that it is not selfish, reminding me that quality is more important than quantity, reminding me that I am a good role model for my children. One friend posed the question, “How many parents have drawings of themselves with the caption, ‘Mommy likes to exercise’?” (It is true; Cortlan drew a picture of me exercising and asked that I write that as the caption of the picture. It is hanging on my fridge.) Another incredibly inspiring post was from a mother of a six-year-old daughter with cancer, who realizes that every moment is precious yet still runs. She proceeded to explain why and included, “Running is the ultimate metaphor for making you realize you are strong and capable of doing hard things.” She is running a half-marathon in two weeks and her daughter is proud and excited.

Yesterday, with my Mommy Guilt blinders on, I saw that running time as time lost with my kids, time during which I could instead be making popsicle stick creations, or hand print artwork. But, truthfully, that is not my reality. I am not that mom. And, to paraphrase a line from that post I was referring to earlier, I should not apologize for not being that mom.  I realize who I am.  I realize my strengths and my weakness.  And, though what works for me surely isn't the best for everyone, I realize what I need to do to be the best mom that I can be.  Honestly, it has seemed to have worked pretty well so far.  At least 99% of the time.

Oh - and another thing that I have recently realized?  I am incredibly lucky to have a strong support system of friends and family, and sometimes, even strangers.

The Facebook statuses that never were

A friend posted this link on Facebook earlier this week:  Less Than Perfect Moms Need to Unite.  Especially for the Facebook Mom crowd, it is worth the read (it is relatively short).

Now, I don't think that I am "that type" of FB poster - the one who gives the illusion of perfection.  But I do tend to be the "don't say anything if you don't have something nice to say" type.  I just don't like to publicly complain.  And to be honest, it kind of annoys me when all people do on Facebook is b*****.  I don't want to be that person any more than the opposite.

As for this blog, well, I have tried to make it clear that my life is anything but perfect, but again, focusing on the positive seems to be a much more worthwhile endeavor than the contrary.  So lest anyone mistakenly gets the wrong impression: there are no unicorns trotting past these windows.  Trust me.

I did not update my status today.  But if I did, here is what it may have said:

5:10 AM:  Ugh.  Is it time to wake up already?!  I feel like I just fell asleep.  Oh, wait.  I did.  It was a sleepless night, with Everly up screaming for much of it for who knows what reason.

6:10 AM:  John and I literally just had to wrestle Ev's clothes on to her.  I guess she didn't want to be awake any more than I.  While we were putting one sock on, she was tearing the other one off.  John held her arms down so that I could brush her hair.  She is a strong little girl!

7:15 AM:  Nice.  They began the dreaded construction on our route to work.  I am currently sitting in a mile of traffic when I should be there.  Crap.

7:16 AM:  Dammit.  I just realized that I forgot my coupons.  So much for the plan of grocery shopping right after school.

2:20 PM:  Having a student teacher is turning out to be a very interesting experience for me.  I will leave it at that.

3:00 PM:  TGIF.  Let's get this weekend started...it is beautiful outside!!

3:25 PM:  It seems as though Everly's day at school was about as good as her night and morning...very uncharacteristic.  I hope she isn't getting sick.

4:10 PM:  Ok, you really know you need a break when you are looking forward to grocery shopping on a 70 degree Friday afternoon in March.

4:15 PM:  Yeah for sunroofs!!  And Mumford and Sons!  And singing really loud in the car!  And being by myself!!!

4:30 PM:  So am I the only one that loves National Frozen Food Month?  Am I weird?

5:15 PM:  I think I just saw Vanilla Ice.  Seriously...people still get that haircut?!!

5:45 PM:  Why do both kids insist on talking at the same time so that I can't give either of them adequate attention?

6:30 PM:  I love my neighbors.

7:50 PM:  Kids in bed.  Time to toss these Pretzel M&Ms back and head downstairs for some P90X.  I am already looking forward to my milkshake disguised as a recovery drink.  Maybe I will throw some M&Ms into the Magic Bullet, too.

10:40 PM:  Time to hit "Publish Post" and head to bed.  I have a 7:45 AM date for a 5 mile run.  What was I thinking?!

Reminders

Maybe it was because my dishwasher leaked water all over my kitchen floor at 9:45 last night, potentially ruining it, and certainly requiring a repair to the dishwasher, at least.
Maybe it was waking to the dishes stacked on the counter that were waiting for their turn to get clean after Everly's birthday party.
Maybe it was from the over-stimulating weekend of get-togethers and too much junk food (including two nights of cupcakes and ice cream).
Maybe it was the night ending on the note of a time out and two screaming children.
Maybe it was because I missed two nights of P90X.
Maybe it was because of daylight savings time.
Maybe it's the business of politics and all the hits education has been taking lately.
Maybe it is the horrible sinking feeling I get every time I think about the tragedy in Japan right now.
Or maybe I just got up on the wrong side of the bed. 

But this morning, I felt pretty crappy.

And I was also feeling kind of down about some parenting things, and some raising a strong daughter things, when I had a great conversation with one of my favorite people.

And this friend of mine reminded me that as parents, we can't change the world our children live in nor should we go to extremes to shelter them from it.  We just have to make sure our children know how to handle themselves in this world and that they can make good decisions for themselves.  We have to teach them not to judge how other people live their lives, and to know that they have choices in how they live theirs.  We teach them by example, by showing them where our values lie, and by living our lives by those values.

Thanks for the reminder, friend.  I needed that.  And I will do my best.

As for the rest, I have to remind myself that there are things I can control and things I can't.  How I react is what matters most.  I will do my best with that, too.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Everly

Last year, I started this blog in Febrary, after Cortlan had turned three and before Everly's first birthday.  The first time Ev's birthday came around, I wrote her birth story.  The first time Cortlan's birthday came around, I wrote his birth story.  Now, I have been preserving some memories here for enough time that bits and pieces of the entire year since Ev's last birthday is on record.  And now, on this birthday, I have the opportunity to look back at the past year with wonder at how much my little girl has grown.

When Everly turned one, she was not really walking at all.  She was saying few words, and signing a few more.  Not being able to communicate as much as she clearly wanted to, she was easily frustrated.  She loved being tickled.  She loved shoes and hats and sunglasses.  She couldn't drink out of a cup that wasn't a sippy without spilling.  She was starting to get the hang of using utensils.  She looked tiny in her new car seat as she transitioned from her rear-facing infant carrier but she loved holding Cortlan's hand in the car. 

To imagine that was only a year ago.

Now my little girl looks tiny in her twin bed, having just transitioned from her crib, but fills up her carseat.  She drinks out of a big girl cup like a pro.  She is mastering utensils, though still prefers to eat with her hands most of the time if we let her.  She is running, and trying really hard to jump.  She loves music and dances around whenever she has to opportunity.

She still loves shoes and hats and sunglasses.  And she still loves being tickled. 

Her communication skills have infinitely improved.  She amazes us with her vocabulary and makes us laugh.

In the car, yesterday...
Everly:  Mommy!
Me: Yes?
Everly:  Mommy!
Me:  Yes?
Everly:  Turn round!
Me, turning around from the front seat and looking at her:  Yes, Everly?  What do you want to tell me?
Everly, with a smile:  Ummmmmmm.....hi, mommy!

At the store yesterday...
Me:  Whose birthday is it tomorrow?
Everly: My!!
(A cute little trait of hers:  she uses "my" as her go-to pronoun.  It serves the purpose of I, my, and me.)
Later at the store, I hummed a little tune.
Everly:  My favit son!!
Me:  What's your favorite song?  Can you sing it?
Everly:  La la la laaaaa!  Favit son!  (all said with a lovely tune)
Me:  Very nice!  Can you sing the Happy Birthday song?
Everly:  Happy Birday, MYYYYYYYY!

Yes, Happy Birthday, My Everly.  I love you.

With a new car, the reach isn't quite as easy, but she still loves holding her brother's hand when she can.

Firsts

The past several days were filled with firsts.  For example,

• Saturday was the first day that Everly wore Pull-Ups.  (For the childless readers who want to know what they are:  check this link.)  At the end of the weekend, she had only peed once in her Pull-Ups but had gone #2 four times in them.  (Again, for the childless readers: somehow, the deuce in diapers is much easier to handle than in Pull-Ups, at least in my opinion.)  To top it off, two of those incidents occurred in a public place at a birthday party.  Not cool.  But yay for peeing on the potty.
• Speaking of bathroom incidents (sorry for the serious degradation of topics as of late), Saturday was the first time that Cortlan decided to go to the bathroom by himself in the men's room in a public place.  This happened to be at the same birthday party as referenced above.  He happened to have the same need as his sister at this party.  AND the timing of the incidents were within minutes of each other.  So picture it:  I am in the women's room taking care of one mess while, unbeknownst to me at the time, Cort was taking care of things himself right next door.  Kind of.  I had to send the father of another party guest in to check on things; he emerged saying that Cort was holloring for me.  Sorry.  I had to go in.  That was also a first, I am pretty sure.
• Moving to more pleasant firsts...Last night was the first night that we didn't have a crib in our house in over four years.  Thus, it was the first time Everly slept on her new "big girl bed."  I am kind of having mixed emotions about this; I went in after Everly was sound asleep and just watched her...so peaceful, so beautiful, growing so fast.

The very last time Everly was in her crib.

Somewhat Silent Sunday

This is what happens when my kids pick their own clothes.   



Cortlan came out of his room like this.

Everly pulled these particular clothes out of her drawers and insisted on us putting them on her.  I particularly like the socks/pants combo.  She put the hat on by herself.  Backwards.



Oso

And speaking of the land of make believe, I shouldn't leave out Everly.

Last weekend, we had the pleasure of taking home a furry friend named Oso the Adventure Bear.  Oso recently joined Everly's class at school, and each weekend, a different friend will be able to take him home and record Oso's adventures in a special book. 

Everly couldn't have been more excited.

Right after school we went to our friends' house.  Oso sat with Everly in her car seat, and of course accompanied us on the visit.  He slept with Ev that night, and was right by her side all weekend, having one adventure after another.



At our first of two playdates of the weekend



On our way to grocery shop

The produce aisle - what an adventure!



Oso helped pick the bananas - yes, I am losing it



Oso had a great time playing with the Hot Wheels and garage

The weekend ended with a trip to my grandma's house, and was a definite highlight.  We took dinner over and ate with my grandma and had a very nice visit.  Oso joined in, of course.  (I took a picture of Oso with Everly, Cortlan, and my grandma.  I don't know if she would like to have her picture on the internet, so I am not going to include it, but it is a current favorite of mine.)

Maybe it is the combination of Alexa and Oso that had me sending a message in a bottle to the "real world" but I can't deny - it has been an adventure.

(Now can someone rescue me?)

Alexa

Alexa's having a birthday party next week!
Alexa taught me a song!  Wanna hear it?
Did you know that Alexa said some mean words?
Alexa told me that...

Remember Mr. Giraffe?  He still sleeps with Cortlan, both at home and at school during his nap.  Right from the beginning, there were two Mr. Giraffes - one for each place - so that we didn't have to remember to take him back and forth every day and also so we had a Mr. G #2 handy in case something were to happen to Mr. G #1.

A while back, Cortlan became wise to the duplicity, but fortunately didn't seem to mind too much.  (He did get quite a kick out of seeing them both in the same place at the same time when that did finally happen, though.)  And for a while, there has been "Mr. Giraffe That Stays at Home" and his friend, "Mr. Giraffe That Stays at School".  Until recently.

About a week ago, Mr. Giraffe That Stays at Home became Alexa.  Mr. Giraffe That Stays at School has become, simply, Mr. Giraffe.  Alexa is Mr. Giraffe's friend. 

There are a lot of issues here, the least of which is that Mr. Giraffe is suddenly a she.

My biggest issue?  I feel like I cannot get out of the land of make believe.  Alexa talks.  A lot.  Through Cortlan.  And she tests me.  Like yesterday when Alexa had some not so nice things to say.

I realize that, more or less, Cortlan is testing the waters with Alexa's help. He is letting his imagination run wild, and enjoying a friend that is exactly to his specs...all totally normal, age-appropriate behaviors.

But personally, I kind of miss Mr. Giraffe.