Reflecting

Maybe it is because I haven't been paying enough attention. 
Maybe it is because there is just so much going on.
Maybe it is because I spend more of my time diffusing arguments, dealing with bickering and tattling, and trying to figure out ways to contend with the behavior issues that come with having a near-four and a six year old.
Maybe it is just because my children are growing up and it takes more effort, in general, to effectively parent them.

In any case, I haven't been very good at enjoying the moments lately.

Don't worry - there is nothing wrong.  I am totally fine.  The thing is, I am just...well, fine.

Fine is fine.  It really is.  But, two years ago, after I had started this blog and was consistently writing for a while, I felt way better than fine.  I had so much to write about.  I was finding those kairos moments more often than not.  Back then, I got a long taste of that feeling that is too often fleeting these days. 

That is how I started the blog post that I began earlier this afternoon.

I didn't have a chance to get much farther in writing it, as my five "allotted" minutes at the end of the day were up so soon and it was time to head out to get the kids.

John and I drove to work together today, and, after getting the kids, we realized that there was enough time for one of us to go home to get something accomplished while the other took the kids to gymnastics.  He graciously offered to take them so that I could go for a run.

Typically, I would have said "no," as I have a standing 8pm running date on Tuesdays with at least one of my two consistent running buddies.  But today my partners were unable to run with me.  A schedule conflict was the reason for one, and for the other, the 5 degree temperature with wind chills at least that many degrees below zero played a large part.  To be honest, I was a bit hesitant myself, but in the daylight the weather seemed much less daunting, and I felt like I needed to go.

So, John dropped me off at the house and I donned many layers.  I headed out without my watch, without my ipod, and without my friends. 

Immediately, I felt a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while.

And somewhere around mile 3, it hit me:  Maybe, just maybe, I haven't had an easy time enjoying the moments lately because I haven't had time to think about them.  I haven't spent the necessary time to reflect.  I haven't spent much time at all alone with nothing but my thoughts.  Here I was, with nothing to do but move one foot in front of the other and think.  And it took me three miles to realize what it was doing to me.  And what it did to me was a great thing.

I absolutely love running with my friends.  I truly, truly do.  And I will continue to do so, because it allows me to exercise and socialize and have great conversations with great ladies - a perfect combination for this multi-tasker who has so little time for a social life.  My friends get me out of the door in the dark and cold, when I know I would never do it on my own.  And I never, ever regret running those five miles with them. 

But those days, not so very long ago, when I had so much to write about?  Those days full of kairos moments?  Those were the same days that included me running by myself for five days a week.  Running solo 20-30 miles is great therapy.  It is much needed time to process and regroup.  It is often the only time during the week that I can slow my brain and assimilate everything.

Over the next mile or so, I thought of many things.  Life changes; I don't doubt that many of the things that I mentioned at the start of this post contribute to how I feel.  I also don't doubt that writing this blog less has something to do with it, because the less I am writing, the less I am reflecting.  I do think that giving myself the opportunity to think and be alone with my thoughts every now and then is an important part of that sense of balance for which I always seem to be striving.  And I do think it is possible for me to gain back that sense of ease at appreciating the moments.

Time to readjust.
Again.

Father's Day

We drove a mile down the road last Wednesday with the kids in the backseat, their bikes in the trunk.  Donning thier helmets, they pedaled down the path as John and I tried to keep up with them.  The air was warm but crisp; the sky was blue with white fluffy clouds here and there; the sun was shining; and when you looked up you saw the green leaves of mature trees that left dotted shadows on the path. 

Everly pedaled as fast as her little legs could circle.  Cortlan worked to stay just ahead of her.  At one point, we pulled off the side of the path to look at the creek that cut through the woods beside us.  We watched and listened to the water, spotted some fish, talked about what they may have been thinking about.

What I was thinking about was how blessed I am to have days like these...perfect summer days like these.  Days that I want to forever etch in my memory as full of simple happiness with my family.  I was thinking about what a great dad John is and how lucky the kids and I are to have him.  It was definitely a Kairos moment.

Today, Father's Day, as the kids sleep peacefully and the sun shines and I sip my coffee in a comforting silence, I think again about lucky we are.  I have a husband- my kids have a dad- who is kind-hearted, open-minded, hard-working, and thoughtful.  He looks forward to Daddy-Daughter date night.  He builds Lego creations on the floor with Cortlan.  He lets my kids be who they are.  He tries to understand them and thinks about their needs and wants.  He helps them grow.  He enjoys spending time with them.  He gives them so much love.  And I hope on this Father's Day he knows how much we love him. 

Playing with buttons

Monday was Presidents' Day and though many had off of work and school, our school had an in-service day.  The problem was that my kids' daycare/school has two in-service days per year and Presidents' Day is one of them.  With Grandma able to come to watch them at 11:30, that left us without childcare for the morning.  So I took a half day off of work. 

I rarely take off of work, and am always reluctant to do so, even when I am sick.  On days that we have students, I find it is typically more challenging to prepare for a substitute and recover from missing the day than it is to be there.  On in-service days, I don't want to miss the professional development and chance to interact with my colleagues (and go on a lunch date with my husband since dinner dates are a true rarity).  But I wholeheartedly enjoyed my half day off on Monday.

I think the best decision I made was to wake up early, before the kids woke.  I was showered and ready to go, drinking my coffee and peacefully reading my book (the third of The Hunger Game - love that series!), when my cuties groggily made their way into the living room.  We had a great breakfast and spent the next hour or so reading stories and playing on the floor.  At one point, I got the idea in my head to get out all of the buttons that I had collected over the years from shirts that come with extras attached.  I opened the bin that I always blindly shove them in and was amazed at how many I had.  I told the kids we were going to do an activity with the buttons, and you would have thought I told them they got to have a huge bowl of ice cream.  (Clearly, I do not do these types of things often...there is definitely something to be said for novelty.)

The first part of the "activity" was simply taking all of the buttons out of the bags.  We decided to sort them in muffin tins into four piles...a huge, a teeny-tiny, a medium-big, and a medium-small pile.  The kids had a great time with this, and were quite good at discerning which pile the buttons should go in.  I was impressed with the sorting of two medium piles, by Everly, in particular.  In the end only two buttons needed to be switched, and the kids were able to figure that out by themselves. 

Cortlan then had the idea to sort them by color, as well.  They had to make the decisions about what buttons should go together to make three different colored piles of each size...interesting considering Cort's color blindness. 

Along the way, we counted, compared, and discussed our reasoning.  Finally, Cortlan thought it would be a great idea to line up the buttons and measure them with my measuring tape.  We measured each pile, wrote down the measurements, and then put the piles together, ultimately measuring a long line of buttons. 

 As a grand finale, we counted all of the buttons - there were seventy total.

Why am I writing about this?  Well, first, I have to say I was kind of proud of myself for actually coming up with an educational activity that could be adapted for each of my kids and that they thought was fun...despite the fact that I am a teacher, early childhood stuff is quite out of the box for me.  Second, I was amazed at how much my kids love to learn and explore in a structured environent.  They love imaginative play and I love to see what they can come up with on their own, but with just a little bit of guidance, they really did a great deal of learning through playing with buttons.  Third, while sitting with my kids at the counter, I experienced that rare Kairos time that I so cherish...my kids and I talked and laughed and played with buttons for an hour; time slipped away and yet stood still and I couldn't help but thinking of how I would love to hold onto the feeling and the moment forever.

Yes, taking the half day off was well worth it....and there is something to be said for novelty.

It was a Good Day.

I thought I had lost $30 the week before Christmas but this morning I found it.
I was eating my breakfast, which is the last thing I typically do before waking my kids, when one and then the other showed their smiling faces in the kitchen and said "Good morning!"
Everly brought me her pink tights and said, "I want to wea dese today!"

I wish I could say that I taught a killer lesson, but it was fine.
I did, however, have a student ask me about pursuing physics as a career, and I had a former student come back for a visit, which is always nice and validating.

On my way to get the kids from school, I stopped at Aldi's to pick up some peppers and chicken.  While I was there, I found Christmas Reece's peanut butter cups on sale for $0.99.

I picked up the kids, who were as happy as could be, and on the radio, Absolutely Mindy was asking her listeners what they thought makes a "good day." Everly said, "Sunshine."

We got home and I didn't turn on the computer, as I often do. Instead, I changed my clothes and got down on the floor with the kids. We played with the Loving Family dollhouse, the batmobile, and the batcopter, simultaneously. (The babies were superheroes and are, in fact, quite skilled at flying.)

I cooked this for dinner while the kids colored pictures for me.  ("Is this beautiful, Mommy?" Absolutely. "Look, Mommy! I made a "H"!" Awesome!)  And the meal was delicious.

The kids watched fifteen minutes of Sesame Street by request and learned about amphibians while I quickly cleaned the kitchen and read this blog post, which was recommended by a friend. I loved this post and consequently fell in love with the concepts of Chronos time and Kairos time.  

Chronos time is the chronological, sequential time that we live in.  As the author of the post says, "It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in." 

Kairos time is the time in between, a special time, or as the author says, "Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. It’s those magical moments in which time stands still."

Kairos is the exact concept of the moments that I try to find and appreciate in my life.  The desire for Kairos may actually be the reason I write this blog.  Not every moment is a Kairos moment, for sure.  But sometimes I think that it is far too easy in this world, in this life, for every moment to become a Chronos one if you don't pay attention, if you don't slow down just a little bit, every now and then.

After my fifteen minutes in the kitchen, I sat on the couch with my arms around my kids who were snuggled up on either side of me and we watched a bit of Abby Cadabby.  I was present.  Without realizing what was happening, I felt my kids' skin, and I watched the smiles slowly form on their faces, and I watched as Everly got down from the couch and danced with reckless abandon, and I noticed Cortlan adjust my hand on his knee and hold his hand on top of mine.  And my senses were overwhelmed, and my heart was full.

What makes a day a good day?  Today, Kairos.  And sunshine.