Things have changed a bit...

I am sitting in detention right now.  I am trying to grade papers.  I gave a quiz today that I would love to give back tomorrow.  I am seeing clearly that isn't going to happen.  In fact, considering I just read the same essay 4 times and still couldn't process it, I am fearful that they won't even get the quiz back on Monday.

Sometimes, I think, "It has always been like this.  Sometimes it is just hard to focus."  But then, I think of the level of change and other changes since October 1, 2013, and I wonder, "But has it really always been like this?"  And this being a rare moment when I am willing, I have to concede - no.  Things aren't quite the same.  Turns out, there is more to concussions than meets the eye.

Remember when I used to write this blog quite frequently?  Yeah, that was before the accident.

 Perhaps life just got busier.  Perhaps my priorities changed.  Perhaps I ran out of things to say.  Maybe.  But I love to write and I loved keeping this blog and I miss it.  I used to have so much to say that my fingers couldn't work fast enough.  If I found 5 minutes, I could spill it and enjoy it.  The words would just flow.  Not anymore.  It is much harder now.  Give me a topic, I might be able to pull something off if given enough time.  Give me a story to write, and I can probably do it.  But it isn't easy anymore.

When your brain changes, it is kind of hard to use your brain to figure out the changes.  That kind of metacognition is tough.  Just after the accident, it was literally (yes - I am using that word in the literal sense) impossible for me to realize exactly what had changed.  But I knew that I couldn't work on the computer, read to my kids, follow a recipe, exercise...you know, the things that I would normally do on a daily basis and enjoy.  Back then, it would take me days and days to grade papers that used to take me a few hours.  I would forget ingredients in meals that I was making, even with the recipe right in front of me.  When I did try running again, what I saw seemed much like the work of a bad videographer using a camcorder with no stability controls in the 1980s.  Every step jostled my on-board "camera" and the view was kind of sickening.  Headaches were a given.  That vestibular system of ours is a pretty handy one to have and it sucks when it isn't working right.

So things have certainly gotten better.  They have.  And for all intents and purposes, I am back to normal.  Most people would agree.  I am pretty much able to pull off my visible life with little noticeable differences.  Mostly.  I can run now.  Most days, I can even run without getting headaches.  I am back to cooking up a storm.

What is good is that I am able to focus really well in the mornings after a good night's sleep.  So, often, I will wake up bright and early to get some work done.  I woke up exceptionally early to do my taxes last week.  I will probably grade these papers twice as fast tomorrow morning, until my students come in.  But by the end of the day, the story is different.  So I re-prioritize my days...I front load, big time.  I can grocery shop in the evening and usually not forget anything...as long as I made the list in the morning.  In most ways, I have fully adapted, which is great.

Add stress, and things get trickier.  I have actually been completely debilitated and unable to make simple decisions because of stress since my accident.  It is like my brain shuts down if I am trying to process too many things at once.  I don't recall things being like that before.  The way I think has changed a bit.  The things I think about have changed a bit.

So why am I writing this?  I don't know.  I am not trying to complain.  I certainly don't want anyone to think differently about me.  Maybe I am frustrated.  Maybe I just need to get it out.  Maybe I just need to feel productive...I am certainly not getting these quizzes graded.

And I am stuck here in detention, after all.

Tomorrow is a new day.

• It is nice to have someone in your life that truly knows you.  It is even better when that person is your husband.  (I love you, John.)
• These days, I am a little sad about time passing and my kids growing up.  I miss looking at them in the back seat holding hands instead of grabbing things from each other and bickering.  I knew that those days were going to be short lived...I just was wishing we could beat the odds.
• Some teachers say that their favorite days of the school year are the first and last...as a person bad with change, those happen to be my least favorites. 
• Parenting challenges of the past seem so easy now.  I remember the stress of trying to figure out how to get my babies to sleep through the night, and what to feed them, and potty training...and I wish I could go back to those issues.  Things seem so much harder now.  But maybe that is simply because I lived through those problems already and came out on the other side.  If I could do it once, I could (probably) do it again.  But now I am in uncharted territory, and I am not enjoying it.
• I am looking forward to having coffee on my deck on a weekday at 6am.  I think I may get up early on my first day of summer break just so I can enjoy that peace and the knowledge that the whole summer is ahead of me.  
• Some days are tough.  Sometimes things snowball.  Sometimes things throw me for a loop, completely out of the blue and I don't know how to react or respond without making things worse.  Fortunately, those days are few.  And fortunately, I have people to lean on when those days come around every now and then.