I did it!

The week is over and I feel good.  This week...

• The kids started at their new daycare (aka "school").  Everly didn't nap the first day, which resulted in a disastrous evening on Monday due to sheer exhaustion, but at least she saved the worst for home and made a decent impression on her teachers.  Cortlan loved it so much he didn't want to leave.  Seriously.  He wouldn't even come over and give me a hug when I got there.  He just said, "Can I just stay for a couple more minutes??"  Every day got better for Everly, with Friday being the first day that she didn't even cry when we left.  Cortlan still didn't want to leave, even on Day 5.  And I didn't have to make one single lunch.  I am very pleased with our decision to change schools - a decision that I was once so very worried about.
• John and I started back to work.  We survived the first days of in-service, with which I have a love-hate relationship.  I asked John too many times what time it was during the superintendent's speech, only to find that it was merely 8:30 AM at last check.  Though, I loved the African Dance Troop that performed for us.
• I managed to maintain a relative calm up to the first day of school with students.  It was an effort.  I had made a conscious decision that my anxiety and nerves were not going to get the better of me this year.  To a large degree, it worked, and I think I was able to enjoy the last days of summer more than any year prior.  However, the night before school started, I had a weird feeling and actually said to John, "I am a bit unsettled that I am not more nervous right now."  It felt foreign to not be worked up into some sort of a frenzy about the first day of school.  Well, next year I need to heighten my level of concern and find a happy medium, I believe.  Thursday morning, I was going crazy because of the things that I had neglected to be stressed about and therefore hadn't taken care of in the way that I should have.  The day with the students went off without a hitch, but it was a sprint to the starting line and there is still quite a bit to take care of behind the scenes that would normally be done by now.  You live and you learn, I suppose.  I will find my balance.
• I ran.  I wasn't sure that I would be able to keep up my running once school started (and truthfully, it was just a week, so I can't really make that generalization just yet), but I did get in my scheduled three of the five days this week.  For the first time ever, I ran instead of going out to lunch on an in-service day.  I have mixed feelings about that.  I knew that there would be no other time that day, and I am proud of myself for doing it.  BUT, I missed out on lunch with friends I haven't seen all summer.  AND I was a sweat ball for the afternoon in-service meeting.  I felt like I ran pretty quickly, but factoring in changing clothes, drive time, the five miles around the lake, drive time back, toweling off and changing back into my clothes, I was lucky to only be five minutes late to the afternoon session.  Lunch just isn't long enough. 
• I ran.  Switching to the evening runs is not proving to be easy.  Yawning on my way out the door at 6:30 AM is a kind of waking of the senses, a relatively pleasant experience.  Yawning on my way out the door at 8:00 PM after a day that began at 5:00 AM and included teaching all day and savoring every energy-filled moment of the sacred after-school time I get to spend with my kids is a different sensation altogether.  But, I did it.  We will see if I can continue to do it.
• And I ran a little more.  Last year, I ran my first 5K.  Today, I ran the same one again, and this time I did it 2 minutes faster.  A definite highlight of the week was after the race when John said, "I am proud of you." And when Cortlan said, "Great job, Mommy! I liked how you ran fast the entire time!" I am going to include the details of my finish, not for any other reason than if I don't record them, I will forget them as I did in May when I had to google search to find my time in last year's race.  But I am thrilled with my race -  I managed a 2nd place in my age division and 29th overall, with a time of 22:47.  Or maybe it was 22:46.  I have to check.

So yes, the week is over and I feel good.  And now I am going to take a nap.

All the women who are Independent...

I learned today that when plans include lunch at a fast food restaurant, I should always take an extra change of clothes for Everly.  Today, I had a choice between Everly screaming at the top of her lungs as she grabbed and pulled at a full container of milk with a straw in it while I held it (with no chance of her drinking any) or allowing her to "drink" it herself.  Yes, well, in the best interest of everyone within a half-mile of McDonald's (and because there was no chance of me winning the standoff anyway), I chose to let her do things her way.  I took a sip off of the top so it wasn't quite as full, and then watched as she poured milk all over herself.  She doesn't quite get that you aren't supposed to tilt the milk jug when there is a straw in it.  She flinched as it splashed on her face, then she put the milk jug down, promptly grabbed a napkin and attempted to clean up her mess, and then took a bite of her food.  Then she did it again.  It took four or five tries to empty that milk, and not even after the huge spill that went right up her nose did she allow me to touch it or help her in any way.  I have a feeling she may be the child that someday wears a bathing suit top and sweatpants with a Halloween mask in February because she insisted on dressing herself.  Spinning it positively, I've got to give her a shout out for the take charge attitude.

A Bit of Strategery

Last night, after zzzzzzzz's were floating out of the kids' bedrooms, I ran out to get a movie and some milk.  As I drove past the various stores in the strip mall on my way to the grocery store, a woman casually browsing some sidewalk sale tables caught my attention.  In a glance, the woman brought to my mind a flash of my past self, a former version of myself who could casually shop and browse and linger at whatever hour of the day she so chose, provided that the stores were open.  The suddenness of this memory and the stark contrast of it to my current life had me chuckling. 

Oh, how things change when you have children.  What used to be mindless and carefree and enjoyable and easy now requires downright strategy.  Somehow, this Michael's-bargain-hunting woman brought this to the front of my mind.  Take earlier in the day, for example...

In the car, en route to the outlet mall, with husband and kids in tow for a bit of school clothes shopping (mostly for me, because I tried on my pants from the spring only to find that they don't fit my butt and thighs anymore.  Lovely.): 
Here's the game plan.  I need to go to Banana Republic, the shoe store, and Gap, at the very least.  Gap and Banana Republic are at opposite ends of the mall.  How about if you drop me off at Banana Republic, which is at the front.  Then, you go park near Gap, and while you walk with the kids down to Banana Republic, hopefully, I will be able to get most of what I need done in there.  Then, while I go to the shoe store, you can play on the playground.  And then we will work our way back up to the car, making Gap the last stop.  How does that work?

Sounds like a plan, he says.  I had two snacks packed for the kids.  I had a cooler and a picnic lunch packed so we could stop at a State Park on the way home for some lunch.  Everyone had a drink.  I even had a table cloth, plates, and plasticware.  We were at the huge outlet mall for a grand total of two hours, during which time I purchased two pairs of pants, a skirt, a top, a pair of heels, and some bargains for the kids for next summer.  It takes practically 20 minutes to just walk from one end of the mall to the other, and I tried on all of the clothes and I got some really great deals.  Nothing leisurely or lingering about that.  Strategy.  Multitasking. I felt like I was creating a battle plan.  Timing was everything.  No one would be hungry or thirsty.  We would enjoy the sunshine while simultaneously getting something accomplished.  And we did.  And it was really a wonderful day.

But man, have things changed.  These days, I need a strategy for just about everything:  a strategy for finding time to run (alarm set, running outfit on dresser, coffee on timer, back before kids awake or just having breakfast), a strategy for finding time to shower (if John isn't going to be home, that just means an earlier run, shower while Ev is still asleep, and set Cortlan up with some educational TV), a strategy to grocery shop, and cook, and clean, and soon to get out of the house with all four of us looking sharp at 6:30 AM to get to school on time.  And then a strategy to still find time for that much needed exercise.  Because without it, I would be exhausted.

Top 10 Reasons Why...

Going back to school is a good thing.  (This is taking a concerted effort, but must be done.  Might as well look at the bright side, right?)

1. My family eats WAY healthier during the school year.  Despite the copious amounts of fresh fruit that my kids eat in the summer, which is awesome, we often find ourselves on the go and out of routine in the summer.  Therefore, we often find ourselves not home when it is time to cook dinner.  So, we either eat where we are, or we grab something quick.  Inevitably, this means a less healthy meal.
2. Routine is good...for everyone.  I think the one that will benefit most from the structure of school this year may be Everly, but who knows.  I know that I tend to be much more organized (by necessity) during the school year, and that generally yields pretty good results.
3. My kids need to be around other kids their age.  They are becoming SO attached to us that it can almost be embarrassing in social situations.  The number of times Everly says "Mommy!" in a day is borderline absurd, even for a seventeen month old.
4. A paycheck is always nice.
5. Despite my best intentions, and despite the fact that I am a teacher, I am just not the best stay-at-home-mom in terms of "educational" stuff.  I teach high school physics.  That doesn't translate all that well into teaching the alphabet or writing.  Now, educational in terms of the zoo, the museum, and physical education type things?  Can do.  I do try with the other stuff, but I am pretty sure that Cortlan is going to advance by leaps and bounds here shortly.
6. If no one is in my house during the day, it can't possibly accumulate clutter during the day.
7. I do miss being around adults without simultaneously chasing two kids that are going in two different directions.  I might be able to finish a whole conversation soon.
8. I am getting tired of wearing the same clothes day in and day out...time for some new stuff, and a reason to look professional again.
9. A paycheck is always nice.
10. There is always something else to look forward to, too...like fall foliage and pumpkin picking, Halloween costumes, Thanksgiving and Christmas, and then (gasp) my kids will be turning four and two.  And next summer will be here before we know it.  Maybe it is a good thing that time seems to slow down a bit when we go back to work.

Things right now...

On my mind today...

• The worst thing I can do is let my kids get too hungry or too tired.  I know this, so why do I ever push it?
• Taking risks is fun, sometimes.  Lately, I have been trying to take risks a bit more...with some payoff, and some failure.  But, even experiencing the failures has been eye-opening, and really not nearly as bad as I would have thought.  My attitude has changed a lot.  "What's the worst that can happen?" was never really in my vocabulary before.
• I am not ready to start school yet.  I haven't prepared physically.  There are things I need to do.  But mentally, I am in a better place than is typical for me.  Now, that may not be saying a whole lot considering my usual state.  And it's not that I am looking forward to going back.  But my efforts to have a better attitude are helping.  I have had only one nightmare.  I only have two zits.  And I feel much more calm than normal.  We will see how I am in another week.
• I have been loving Everly kisses these days, with the "Muahh" and all.  I hope she adjusts well to daycare.  I worry about her.  She needs lots of lovin'.
• Cortlan is in love with Mommy and Daddy lately.  He asks in the middle of dinner, "Mommy, can I come give you a hug?"  Often.  I soooo want to indulge him, but we would literally never finish dinner.
• I have been told in the past that I like control, and I have generally taken that as an insult.  I am going to reconsider how I feel about such comments after reading the following sentence: "The feeling of control is an essential element of happiness."  And honestly, it isn't so much that I love feeling in control, but more like I hate to feel out of control.  I am going to be okay with that.
• I smiled and laughed a lot today...one of my favorites:  Cortlan giving "belly toots" to Everly, and the two of them erupting in hysterical laughter.  Another:  Making a dessert with Cortlan, and him asking if he could lick the spoon, and me saying yes, and the two of us scraping the bowl and licking our spoons as we looked at each other and smiled delicious smiles of pudding and Cool Whip.

Shower thinking

Sometimes, I do my best thinking in the shower.  And today, as the water ran over my face, I found myself having one of those showers in which, once I am brought back to the moment, I can't remember if I've shampooed or not.  And I can't figure out how much time has passed.  Today, I was thinking about my blog.

I am pretty sure that writing this last six months has changed me, and there are only a handful of things, or people, or events in my life that I can pin to that point.  I am not so sure that the change has been much in any outward way - those of you who know me best would be the ones to comment on that - but it definitely has been major in many inward ways.  I feel happier.  I feel more in the moment.  I feel more appreciative.  I feel more inspired, and more ambitious, and more confident, and more at peace.  I don't know what it is, really:  the act of writing?  the reflecting?  the place I happen to be in life?  the risk I take every time I hit "publish post"?  the comments that people give me?  the interacting in this way that is so foreign to me, really?

I was thinking about this in my time-warp shower today.  And I went on a lot of tangents in this train of thought.  In my very first blog post, I mentioned that I do not think that I will change the world, nor do I have ambitions to do so.  And that is still a very true statement.  But this morning, in a little blip of a thought, it occurred to me that it might be pretty cool if I could make some difference by writing, change the world in some small way.  I think I have a pretty good feel for this scale of world changing - it won't be much.  But, I thought, it could maybe (just maybe) be more than it currently is. 

I tend to be kind of schizophrenic about what I want with this blog.  Am I writing it for myself?  Am I writing it for some audience, real or imaginary?  Am I writing it for my kids?  I think that the answer to all of those questions is yes, but depending on my mood, and depending on the post.  Do I want to somehow garner a larger audience? Well, that would have its pros and cons of course...but I would love to have more people feel the way I am feeling these days.  Would a larger audience even be interested in this blog? I don't know that I should answer that.  I've realized that there is not a whole lot of cohesiveness to my blog: Sometimes, I write about my kids. Sometimes, about myself. Sometimes, about philosophical questions. Sometimes, about nothing at all. And my guess is that diversity may not be very appealing to the masses.  That's just a guess.

I am a subscriber to a blog for the book I mentioned before, Run Like A Mother, and I love reading the authors' posts and the many comments that people leave for them.  And what's more - I love leaving comments, too.  Because I feel like I belong to a community.  Everyone there has a common interest - running.   If I did want a larger audience, maybe I would need a common interest.  What would the common interest be for my blog?  After much thought, this is what I came up with:  For me, this blog is about recognizing, enjoying, appreciating, and finding happiness in the ordinary moments, and banking that happiness up for a day of adversity.  We all have ordinary moments.  Can we all find happiness in them?  Can this be a community in which to do that?  Look around you.  This is life.  It may be ordinary, it may be extraordinary, but this is it.  Why not love it?  Why not enjoy it?

And in this shower monologue, I wondered:  Do I really want to change what I am doing? No, I decided.  I like this.  But one thing that I like is that I have held myself to no particular topic, no niche so tiny that I can't incorporate a bigger element.  And then I thought of a phrase:  Give me a moment.

Give me a moment.  This phrase got me thinking about a bigger picture.  What if every now and then, there was a post - or maybe an entirely new blog - called "Give me a moment"?  And in that post/blog, as a happiness-seeking community, we gave each other the moments that made us smile, or think, or whatever was the topic for the day.  And we could be a part of it for each other.  And in reading others' moments, we might be lifted up a bit.  And we can all benefit from slowing down and being in our own moments, and investing ourselves in positive thoughts.

So this is an experiment, and I am putting myself out there with this.  But in the book I just finished (The Happiness Project), Gretchen Rubin resolves to "Enjoy the fun of failure."  So, here goes nothing:  Will you be willing to participate in this?  It means that you would have to share (anonymously if you would like) by writing a comment on the blog (not on Facebook) AND post the "Give me a moment" link to attempt to get others to contribute, too.  But maybe we can start something here, and it can be a positive for all of us.

Your comment can be a brief sentence, or a few words, or a paragraph.  I am not going start with this post...this is just to see if anyone would be willing to participate.  Because if no one wants to, then I won't force the issue.  I am new to this blogging thing, and don't have a clue how to get a bigger audience except to appeal to you, my friends.  Often I think it is easier to comment on or support compete strangers posts than it is people you know, but this is my starting point.  If there is any interest, I may put these "Give me a moment" posts in a different blog.  In any case, this is something that I would like to try, so for today, will you just give me a yes or no?  You can comment anonymously if you don't want me to know who you are!!  Thanks for humoring me.   :)

Overbuying Maximizer

Maybe I am weird, but I get some sort of enjoyment out of finding words to classify myself.  I think I always have.  Well, at least since the days of those deadly accurate magazine quizzes (if you answered mostly A's, you are a ...).  Ok, so maybe "deadly accurate" is stretching it a bit.  Or a lot.  But even though I am a true believer in exceptions to the rules and the idea of the broad spectrum (with only the rare person falling at one extreme or the other), I do feel like I gain some sort of new self-knowledge through the classification.  And I like that. 

Today, I read another chapter from The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin that I mentioned not long ago.  And I found out that I am a "maximizer" (to my "satisficer" husband's chagrin).  And though I don't fit the mold entirely, I am an overbuyer as opposed to an underbuyer.  (I don't think I am quite organized enough to be a true overbuyer, and I have underbuying tendencies.)

As the term would suggest, an underbuyer is a minimalist in purchases, according to Rubin, often putting off buying until the last second, if at all.  Underbuyers are the ones running to the store to buy toothpaste for that evening's teeth brushing, or a can of cream of mushroom soup for the recipe for which they have already defrosted the meat.  They definitely don't have the latest gadgets.  They wait until it is time to jump into the pool before they bathing suit shop.  Overbuyers, on the other hand, have ten tubes of toothpaste lying in wait, and buy things because they may have a use for them "someday."  Me?  Well, I have often wondered if I have some sort of problem in that I never have less than eight rolls of paper towels and twenty-six rolls of toilet paper in my house.  I have seven or eight tubes of toothpaste in my cabinet (all because they were on sale and bought with a coupon for less than $1 - we will need them eventually, right??).  But I just recently found that I didn't have the can of diced tomatoes that I thought I had for the recipe - after I had started cooking.  (Stewed tomatoes don't make the greatest substitute, but the kids didn't seem to notice.)  Oh, and I definitely don't buy bathing suits in March.

What I really loved was the satisficer/maximizer distinction.  Satisficers have criteria (which may or may not be high), and as soon as they find the computer, or daycare provider (ahem), or souvenir that meets that criteria, they are satisfied.  Maximizers, and I am going to quote Rubin for the best effect, "want to make the optimal decision.  Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements, they can't make a decision until after they've examined every option, so they can make the best possible choice."  Yep.  And there is more: "Maximizers spend a lot more time and energy to reach a decision, and they're often anxious about whether they did in fact make the best choice."

I was sitting on the couch with my husband when I got to this part of the book.  I had to stop and tell him that I had us figured out.  "Great," he said. "In what way are you about to insult me with this classification?  You know how I love to be labeled."  What??  He could only smile as I read him the passage.  Well, opposites attract, right?  I can only imagine where we would be right now if we were both maximizers.  Sheesh.

So how about you?  Overbuyer or underbuyer?  Maximizer or satisficer?