Things have changed a bit...

I am sitting in detention right now.  I am trying to grade papers.  I gave a quiz today that I would love to give back tomorrow.  I am seeing clearly that isn't going to happen.  In fact, considering I just read the same essay 4 times and still couldn't process it, I am fearful that they won't even get the quiz back on Monday.

Sometimes, I think, "It has always been like this.  Sometimes it is just hard to focus."  But then, I think of the level of change and other changes since October 1, 2013, and I wonder, "But has it really always been like this?"  And this being a rare moment when I am willing, I have to concede - no.  Things aren't quite the same.  Turns out, there is more to concussions than meets the eye.

Remember when I used to write this blog quite frequently?  Yeah, that was before the accident.

 Perhaps life just got busier.  Perhaps my priorities changed.  Perhaps I ran out of things to say.  Maybe.  But I love to write and I loved keeping this blog and I miss it.  I used to have so much to say that my fingers couldn't work fast enough.  If I found 5 minutes, I could spill it and enjoy it.  The words would just flow.  Not anymore.  It is much harder now.  Give me a topic, I might be able to pull something off if given enough time.  Give me a story to write, and I can probably do it.  But it isn't easy anymore.

When your brain changes, it is kind of hard to use your brain to figure out the changes.  That kind of metacognition is tough.  Just after the accident, it was literally (yes - I am using that word in the literal sense) impossible for me to realize exactly what had changed.  But I knew that I couldn't work on the computer, read to my kids, follow a recipe, exercise...you know, the things that I would normally do on a daily basis and enjoy.  Back then, it would take me days and days to grade papers that used to take me a few hours.  I would forget ingredients in meals that I was making, even with the recipe right in front of me.  When I did try running again, what I saw seemed much like the work of a bad videographer using a camcorder with no stability controls in the 1980s.  Every step jostled my on-board "camera" and the view was kind of sickening.  Headaches were a given.  That vestibular system of ours is a pretty handy one to have and it sucks when it isn't working right.

So things have certainly gotten better.  They have.  And for all intents and purposes, I am back to normal.  Most people would agree.  I am pretty much able to pull off my visible life with little noticeable differences.  Mostly.  I can run now.  Most days, I can even run without getting headaches.  I am back to cooking up a storm.

What is good is that I am able to focus really well in the mornings after a good night's sleep.  So, often, I will wake up bright and early to get some work done.  I woke up exceptionally early to do my taxes last week.  I will probably grade these papers twice as fast tomorrow morning, until my students come in.  But by the end of the day, the story is different.  So I re-prioritize my days...I front load, big time.  I can grocery shop in the evening and usually not forget anything...as long as I made the list in the morning.  In most ways, I have fully adapted, which is great.

Add stress, and things get trickier.  I have actually been completely debilitated and unable to make simple decisions because of stress since my accident.  It is like my brain shuts down if I am trying to process too many things at once.  I don't recall things being like that before.  The way I think has changed a bit.  The things I think about have changed a bit.

So why am I writing this?  I don't know.  I am not trying to complain.  I certainly don't want anyone to think differently about me.  Maybe I am frustrated.  Maybe I just need to get it out.  Maybe I just need to feel productive...I am certainly not getting these quizzes graded.

And I am stuck here in detention, after all.

After the Concussion Center

This was a Facebook post I just wrote after returning home from the Concussion Center for anyone who is interested and may not see it there:

I feel the need to post an update as to how things have been going with me since my car accident last week. Skip right on past this very long post if you aren't interested, but in the hopes of disseminating this information in an efficient way to a number of people who are, here goes:

My accident was Tuesday 10/1. On 10/2 I saw my PCP who diagnosed me with a mild to moderate concussion. My symptoms included fatigue/exhaustion, headaches, feeling "foggy," some balance issues, feeling "out of body" at times, and some sensitivity to sounds, among others. I did not go to work on doctor's orders for the rest of last week. 

By Sunday, my symptoms had improved enough to be, in my opinion, manageable. I was very interested in getting back to work, so I gave it a shot on Monday. It was a disaster. My symptoms were back full force by 4th period. I made it through the day and after school went to the ER where they did the CT Scan of my neck and head that everyone had been urging me to get. It was clear. They confirmed my concussion diagnosis and referred me to the UPMC Concussion Center.

I stayed home from work yesterday. I made an appointment with the Concussion Center. I just got back from one of the best experiences I have had in my entire life with any medical personnel for any reason. I saw an amazing doctor. I took the ImPACT test, which is the same concussion test currently used in the NFL and is also the same test that they require our school athletes to take prior to playing any sports so to have a baseline in case of concussion. I was honestly shocked at the results. I scored in the 3rd percentile on one portion of the test. I don't think that I have scored in the 3rd percentile on anything in my entire life. And I tried HARD on this test.

When the doctor reviewed the results with John and me, he was amazingly informative and on point with everything that I was experiencing. He predicted symptoms that I hadn't even mentioned and even went so far as to say that "you were probably doing ok until about the third period you had to teach" (exactly - that was 4th period). A few more tests with my vision, along with my account of feeling pressure behind my eyes and trouble focusing, confirmed that I have an ocular/vestibular concussion, which will require therapy for a full recovery. Apparently, the anxiety that I felt when I walked through the locker area at school on Monday is a prime symptom of issues with the vestibular system due to mixed signals between the eyes and brain. (He did one test on me where I had to focus on his finger while moving my head back and forth, and I started shaking with an overwhelming nervous/anxious feeling...that was what he thought would happen. I had no clue. The human body is amazing...and crazy.)

So - no more work for me this week. I start back on Monday and will start vestibular therapy next week. I am allowed on the computer and allowed to watch TV but only with frequent breaks. I am allowed to drive, but only on familiar roads for a while (which makes sense...I told john that I needed him to drive me to the appointment in the city today, yet I feel no problem driving around home or to work and back.)

I feel so relieved that I am not going crazy, that there is a name for all of this and that I am a "typical case" with all of the typical symptoms and that this doctor knew exactly what I meant anytime I said a word. We are so fortunate to have such excellent facilities here and I am happy to say I have a plan in place for a full recovery!!

Car Accident

Ok, so I thought I would just say a few words here about what happened to me last week.

Rather than include the picture that shows the bulk of the damage to my vehicle, I decided to put this on on here, because it does not show my licence plate number.  I don't feel like doing what it would take to edit the picture to blur it out.

Bottom line: I was sitting at a standstill waiting to turn left into my neighborhood when a pickup truck rear-ended me at full speed.  I was seen by paramedics at the scene and released, my car was totaled, and life has been crazy ever since.