99% of the time

I had a day yesterday that started off with some Mommy Guilt, was sprinkled throughout with some Mommy Guilt, and then was topped with a nice heaping of Mommy Guilt. I don't know why, because 99% of the time, I am totally happy with the choices I have made and am pretty satisfied with my abilities as a mom, but on that one day of a hundred, things tends to hit hard. Without going into all of the details (because, really, that is not what this post is about), the cherry on top was that I read a very well written blog post that called to the forefront of my mind all of the things I can't do or won't be able to do with my kids due to the fact that I work outside the home. Ironically, the poster's point was that none of us as moms should apologize for the decisions that we make for our family, as we all do what is best for our situation. I totally agree and appreciated the read. I firmly believe that we all do what is best as moms, no defense necessary.  And I am beginning to see that Mommy Guilt just comes with the territory, no matter your choices.

Anyway, in my moment yesterday, I was trying to figure out what I could give up so as to be able to spend more time with my kids. Unless we don't want to eat or have clean clothes, I couldn't come up with anything.  I thought a little bit harder, and my thoughts landed on running.

Now, it was a hard winter that included injury recovery, and I didn't get out to run much, though I did take an occasional spin class. Most of the exercising that I have done has been in my basement after the kids have gone to bed.  But during the last two weeks of spring-like weather, the pavement has been calling my name, and I have responded. It has been great. I came back from a 4-mile run on Tuesday exuberant, refreshed. Why on Wednesday was I ready to give it all up? My only conclusion: Because I was losing my mind. And even in that moment, I realized I was losing my mind, so I enlisted the help of a community of women, the Run Like a Mother FB community, to talk me down from the ledge. And talk me down they did.

I literally cried as I read the words of encouragement and support from friends and strangers telling me everything I needed to hear, reminding me why I do what I do, reminding me that it is not selfish, reminding me that quality is more important than quantity, reminding me that I am a good role model for my children. One friend posed the question, “How many parents have drawings of themselves with the caption, ‘Mommy likes to exercise’?” (It is true; Cortlan drew a picture of me exercising and asked that I write that as the caption of the picture. It is hanging on my fridge.) Another incredibly inspiring post was from a mother of a six-year-old daughter with cancer, who realizes that every moment is precious yet still runs. She proceeded to explain why and included, “Running is the ultimate metaphor for making you realize you are strong and capable of doing hard things.” She is running a half-marathon in two weeks and her daughter is proud and excited.

Yesterday, with my Mommy Guilt blinders on, I saw that running time as time lost with my kids, time during which I could instead be making popsicle stick creations, or hand print artwork. But, truthfully, that is not my reality. I am not that mom. And, to paraphrase a line from that post I was referring to earlier, I should not apologize for not being that mom.  I realize who I am.  I realize my strengths and my weakness.  And, though what works for me surely isn't the best for everyone, I realize what I need to do to be the best mom that I can be.  Honestly, it has seemed to have worked pretty well so far.  At least 99% of the time.

Oh - and another thing that I have recently realized?  I am incredibly lucky to have a strong support system of friends and family, and sometimes, even strangers.