I don't think it is all that easy to be a mom in this day and age...not that it was ever easy. In fact, I am pretty sure that every generation of moms has had a pretty substantial set of challenges to deal with, not to be compared to one another. But I am a relatively new mom in the year 2010, and I need to vent.
I have been mulling over the first couple of chapters of a book I am reading by Judith Warner called Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety. Just a disclaimer: I have not read all of the book, and in the end I am not sure what she is going to conclude, so therefore, I don't yet know if I am going to agree with it. But at the point where I am right now, she is just describing the issues that mothers face in today's world. As I read it last night, I felt like she was talking about me.
As Warner says, one great thing about being a mom today is that we have a ton of choices. There is not a set path that is absolutely expected of us, like was the case for women decades ago, and you will definitely see moms making many different choices - all what they think is best for the unique needs and wants of their families. Some moms work, some stay at home. Some breast feed, some bottle feed. Some choose attachment parenting, some co-sleep, some adhere to strict schedules, some let the baby choose the schedule, some...well, hopefully, you get my point. We have tons of choices. But therein lies a huge problem. Or problems. We have choices, but we are also somehow made to feel like the choices we make will make or break our lives or our children's lives. And because so much emphasis is put on nurture (versus nature) these days, it would seem as though how our children turn out in the end is entirely our "fault," so every decision seems like a life-altering one.
Cortlan didn't want to eat his peas last night. I seriously was stressed about this like you wouldn't believe: Ok, we have about five seconds to make this decision. What do we do?? Do we let him not eat the peas? Because if we don't let him eat the peas, maybe he will think that he never has to eat peas, and hence, any veggie. Should we punish him in some way for not eating the peas? He always used to like peas. Do we let him eat just one bite and be done? Do we force him to eat the peas? Is it going to cause him some long term damage to be forced to eat peas? Do we let him just sit at the dinner table until he is done, no matter how long it takes? Do we give him a time limit and let him feel what it is to be hungry when he doesn't finish in that time frame? Do we save the peas and make him eat them next time he wants to eat, even if that is at breakfast the next day?
Is it any wonder I was in a bad mood last night? I mean, I truly felt that this decision may just change our lives. I want to get it "right" the first time, because I know how hard it is to change kids once they get to experience something one way (that is also the reason that my kids never slept with me - for no other reason than I was worried about how hard it would be to get them to sleep in their own beds down the road), and I don't want to have to undo any damage (I use that term loosely) that results from my decisions. You don't even want to know what I do to myself regarding whether we should switch school districts from the one we live in to the one we work in, which is something I think about on a daily basis (no exaggeration). Depending on what frame of mind I am in, some days I think the school district has everything to do with my kids' chances at success and happiness in life. (It doesn't, I know.) I put the weight of the world on my shoulders, as I try to make the right decisions for my kids. But the thing is that there is no "right." Or is there? Sometimes, I feel like I know. Not today.
Being a mom is hard. For so many reasons. I could write a book on it, but one (probably many) has already been written. It might take a year for me to get through this book in five-minute spurts during breakfast time, but I am going to try to finish it, because I am interested to see what Warner thinks is the solution to these issues that we face.
So some days, this is how I think. And that is why I force myself to recognize and appreciate the little things. Appreciate life and the moments, and try to let go of some of the stress, because if I don't I am sure I will go crazy. Luckily, I do love my family tons and tons, and I do experience true joy as a result of them. It is funny what being a mom has done to me - my every emotion gets seems to get heightened...stress is more stressful, but man, are the good times good. I have made choices in my life, and so far I am very sure that I wouldn't change any of them. Well, I don't know yet about the peas. We will see how that one turns out.
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Joyce,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading many of the comments linked to this blog, I had some ideas to share. I also have a ton of parenting books, none of which I'd rely on for each component of my parenting. I do the same thing when teaching reading, but I never flinch once explaining to anyone why I believe this author to be the best with component of reading. Flinching much more common when recommending or discussing a parenting book.
As you are well aware, we have similar food refusal problems. I tried the "one bite" rule until it left me with a child waking up at night stressing about the school lunch. For a small time period, we packed leftovers for her to eat at school when the menu was disagreeable. We also role played how to politely refuse a food. It worked wonders; now I do not have any issues with school lunches. At times, we still have the issue at home; however, it is not worth it to me to deal with the tears and stress. I refuse to make new food, but will provide leftovers. At times, it can be embarrassing, but who do I have to impress. After reading the Pittsburgh Mom's blog on this topic, I felt pretty good as many people were labeling themselves "short order cooks" making multiple meals. Sometimes I feel this problem has to do with control and "voice."
Earlier this year, Emma was having issues at bathtime when John would wash her face. These screaming drag out battles ensued each day. I would try to encourage John not to get into the power struggle with her...One night while Daddy was at a cross country meet, I gave the bath. I asked Emma why she didn't like to get her face washed. She replied, "It is too rough and fast." Easy enough to fix when you stop to listen. My husband told me that getting Emma to let us wash her face was one of the most impressive things I've ever done.
Toddlers and children in general have so few choices. My students always respond much better to a choice-even if it is the color of paper. It gives them a sense of ownership in the classroom as I think it does in our home. Some people think I provide too much choice at school, but I have very few disciplinary issues because I try to listen to my kids.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I always need to reference work, but it helps me. I wouldn't be stressed about making decisions right at the moment. In school and home, I often say, "I need time to think of how I want to handle this." I will bounce my ideas of a counselor, coworker, or administrator to make sure I've thought it through. Now, I don't do this for everything, but I try to use logical consequences and sometimes it's hard to figure out the logical consequence in the heat of the moment. At home, I want to make sure my decisions comes across as confident, well thought out, and supported by my husband (or visa versa). I really try to keep my cool at all times; I send myself to the "thinking chair" at school to model to the kids how to self regulate.
I haven't made time out in our house more child directed yet, but it is coming. I strongly feel that children need to made aware of incorrect behavior and given the chance to correct it themselves after some reflection time. I am always so proud of my most hyper kids who learn what their triggers are and move to a place in the classroom where the trigger won't bother them. But this type of discipline requires letting go of the control which I have done in my classroom (not as easy at home). I really think that my training in Responsive Classroom has helped me to become less of a control freak as I've seen the amazing things that happen in my classroom when I hand over some of the power.
I often make mistakes, but I really try to do it with grace. I think it is important to model mistakes for kids so they can see how a responsible adult handles a mistake. At school, I make mistakes on purpose so the kids can see me do it. It makes it easier the first time my type A kids don't get all the math facts done in 3 minutes. It breaks your heart to see the smartest math whiz in gasping, hyperventilating tears because she only got 29 out of 30 done.
I also think prayer and church have helped me with my parenting. I read a daily family devotional to help me focus my prayer for my family. Many people may scoff at this type of solution, but I believe in the power of prayer.
At the end of the day, I think about how I want my kids to grow up-confident, self actuating, resourceful, graceful, prayerful. Then, I try to make sure I emulate those characteristics to the best of my ability.
While I do think we have a huge number of decisions which have great ramifications, I am glad that my decisions aren't some of the ones my family faced-do we move to the United States, do we give up our citizenship to our home, do I join the resitance against the Nazis and spend time in a concentration camp.
I always love and appreciate hearing your thoughts, Kelly. So true about the scope of the decisions we have to make versus things like you said at the end that our ancestors may have had to deal with.
ReplyDeleteI feel that I should mention for anyone that reads this that the peas incident occurred before I read some of the book, and not the other way around. The book just made me realize how crazy I was being and caused me to reflect on what we do to one another and (mostly) ourselves as mothers. As I mentioned elsewhere, I have come to realize (and TRULY believe) that there is no "one size fits all" method of parenting, even for kids within the same family. Just like teaching - if I tried to do things in ways that other teachers do that I admire, it would likely not come off so well, because it isn't "me." We all have to do what suits us best and what we are going to be comfortable with in the end, regardless of what others do. Another observation that was eluded to in the book was that sometimes mothers' self-confidence (or lack thereof)is what causes them to take aim at other mothers, is what causes the judgementalness. Because people feel better if others are doing it "their way." Possibly, it makes them feel like their way is better or "right." And the thing is that it may very well be right - for them. And what I do is right for me. And the bottom line is that we should support each other in the best way we can. I hope that I am living up to my end of that bargain!! :)
And PS...I have definitely found that choice helps in many situations, as well. We all need to feel like we have some sort of control in a situation - even kids.
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