Reflecting

Maybe it is because I haven't been paying enough attention. 
Maybe it is because there is just so much going on.
Maybe it is because I spend more of my time diffusing arguments, dealing with bickering and tattling, and trying to figure out ways to contend with the behavior issues that come with having a near-four and a six year old.
Maybe it is just because my children are growing up and it takes more effort, in general, to effectively parent them.

In any case, I haven't been very good at enjoying the moments lately.

Don't worry - there is nothing wrong.  I am totally fine.  The thing is, I am just...well, fine.

Fine is fine.  It really is.  But, two years ago, after I had started this blog and was consistently writing for a while, I felt way better than fine.  I had so much to write about.  I was finding those kairos moments more often than not.  Back then, I got a long taste of that feeling that is too often fleeting these days. 

That is how I started the blog post that I began earlier this afternoon.

I didn't have a chance to get much farther in writing it, as my five "allotted" minutes at the end of the day were up so soon and it was time to head out to get the kids.

John and I drove to work together today, and, after getting the kids, we realized that there was enough time for one of us to go home to get something accomplished while the other took the kids to gymnastics.  He graciously offered to take them so that I could go for a run.

Typically, I would have said "no," as I have a standing 8pm running date on Tuesdays with at least one of my two consistent running buddies.  But today my partners were unable to run with me.  A schedule conflict was the reason for one, and for the other, the 5 degree temperature with wind chills at least that many degrees below zero played a large part.  To be honest, I was a bit hesitant myself, but in the daylight the weather seemed much less daunting, and I felt like I needed to go.

So, John dropped me off at the house and I donned many layers.  I headed out without my watch, without my ipod, and without my friends. 

Immediately, I felt a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while.

And somewhere around mile 3, it hit me:  Maybe, just maybe, I haven't had an easy time enjoying the moments lately because I haven't had time to think about them.  I haven't spent the necessary time to reflect.  I haven't spent much time at all alone with nothing but my thoughts.  Here I was, with nothing to do but move one foot in front of the other and think.  And it took me three miles to realize what it was doing to me.  And what it did to me was a great thing.

I absolutely love running with my friends.  I truly, truly do.  And I will continue to do so, because it allows me to exercise and socialize and have great conversations with great ladies - a perfect combination for this multi-tasker who has so little time for a social life.  My friends get me out of the door in the dark and cold, when I know I would never do it on my own.  And I never, ever regret running those five miles with them. 

But those days, not so very long ago, when I had so much to write about?  Those days full of kairos moments?  Those were the same days that included me running by myself for five days a week.  Running solo 20-30 miles is great therapy.  It is much needed time to process and regroup.  It is often the only time during the week that I can slow my brain and assimilate everything.

Over the next mile or so, I thought of many things.  Life changes; I don't doubt that many of the things that I mentioned at the start of this post contribute to how I feel.  I also don't doubt that writing this blog less has something to do with it, because the less I am writing, the less I am reflecting.  I do think that giving myself the opportunity to think and be alone with my thoughts every now and then is an important part of that sense of balance for which I always seem to be striving.  And I do think it is possible for me to gain back that sense of ease at appreciating the moments.

Time to readjust.
Again.