Things have changed a bit...

I am sitting in detention right now.  I am trying to grade papers.  I gave a quiz today that I would love to give back tomorrow.  I am seeing clearly that isn't going to happen.  In fact, considering I just read the same essay 4 times and still couldn't process it, I am fearful that they won't even get the quiz back on Monday.

Sometimes, I think, "It has always been like this.  Sometimes it is just hard to focus."  But then, I think of the level of change and other changes since October 1, 2013, and I wonder, "But has it really always been like this?"  And this being a rare moment when I am willing, I have to concede - no.  Things aren't quite the same.  Turns out, there is more to concussions than meets the eye.

Remember when I used to write this blog quite frequently?  Yeah, that was before the accident.

 Perhaps life just got busier.  Perhaps my priorities changed.  Perhaps I ran out of things to say.  Maybe.  But I love to write and I loved keeping this blog and I miss it.  I used to have so much to say that my fingers couldn't work fast enough.  If I found 5 minutes, I could spill it and enjoy it.  The words would just flow.  Not anymore.  It is much harder now.  Give me a topic, I might be able to pull something off if given enough time.  Give me a story to write, and I can probably do it.  But it isn't easy anymore.

When your brain changes, it is kind of hard to use your brain to figure out the changes.  That kind of metacognition is tough.  Just after the accident, it was literally (yes - I am using that word in the literal sense) impossible for me to realize exactly what had changed.  But I knew that I couldn't work on the computer, read to my kids, follow a recipe, exercise...you know, the things that I would normally do on a daily basis and enjoy.  Back then, it would take me days and days to grade papers that used to take me a few hours.  I would forget ingredients in meals that I was making, even with the recipe right in front of me.  When I did try running again, what I saw seemed much like the work of a bad videographer using a camcorder with no stability controls in the 1980s.  Every step jostled my on-board "camera" and the view was kind of sickening.  Headaches were a given.  That vestibular system of ours is a pretty handy one to have and it sucks when it isn't working right.

So things have certainly gotten better.  They have.  And for all intents and purposes, I am back to normal.  Most people would agree.  I am pretty much able to pull off my visible life with little noticeable differences.  Mostly.  I can run now.  Most days, I can even run without getting headaches.  I am back to cooking up a storm.

What is good is that I am able to focus really well in the mornings after a good night's sleep.  So, often, I will wake up bright and early to get some work done.  I woke up exceptionally early to do my taxes last week.  I will probably grade these papers twice as fast tomorrow morning, until my students come in.  But by the end of the day, the story is different.  So I re-prioritize my days...I front load, big time.  I can grocery shop in the evening and usually not forget anything...as long as I made the list in the morning.  In most ways, I have fully adapted, which is great.

Add stress, and things get trickier.  I have actually been completely debilitated and unable to make simple decisions because of stress since my accident.  It is like my brain shuts down if I am trying to process too many things at once.  I don't recall things being like that before.  The way I think has changed a bit.  The things I think about have changed a bit.

So why am I writing this?  I don't know.  I am not trying to complain.  I certainly don't want anyone to think differently about me.  Maybe I am frustrated.  Maybe I just need to get it out.  Maybe I just need to feel productive...I am certainly not getting these quizzes graded.

And I am stuck here in detention, after all.

Hardly irrelevant

Things can go along so nicely for a while and then suddenly it seems as though everything changes.  I am overwhelmed with change right now, and that somehow became very evident today as I was reminded that if I am not changing, I am irrelevant.  On some level, of course, I get that - I am a teacher.  But when nothing seems to be staying the same - from things at home to friendships to seemingly everything at work including my relationships there - it can become a little much, you know?   I truly have gotten better at embracing change.  But sometimes, I miss things that used to be.  And it hurts to think that I might be irrelevant.  

I so looked forward to seeing my kids today as they got off of the bus.  Despite how they are changing, they are still willing to give me some good hugs.  It is hard to feel irrelevant when I am with them.  And I do love the fall leaves changing.  And running.  So today I decided to forego our usual after school routine, and instead loaded the bikes in the car and headed to the park.  

It is hard to not feel a little better when I can go for a run on a beautiful fall afternoon with my kids riding their bikes alongside me.

Tomorrow is a new day.

• It is nice to have someone in your life that truly knows you.  It is even better when that person is your husband.  (I love you, John.)
• These days, I am a little sad about time passing and my kids growing up.  I miss looking at them in the back seat holding hands instead of grabbing things from each other and bickering.  I knew that those days were going to be short lived...I just was wishing we could beat the odds.
• Some teachers say that their favorite days of the school year are the first and last...as a person bad with change, those happen to be my least favorites. 
• Parenting challenges of the past seem so easy now.  I remember the stress of trying to figure out how to get my babies to sleep through the night, and what to feed them, and potty training...and I wish I could go back to those issues.  Things seem so much harder now.  But maybe that is simply because I lived through those problems already and came out on the other side.  If I could do it once, I could (probably) do it again.  But now I am in uncharted territory, and I am not enjoying it.
• I am looking forward to having coffee on my deck on a weekday at 6am.  I think I may get up early on my first day of summer break just so I can enjoy that peace and the knowledge that the whole summer is ahead of me.  
• Some days are tough.  Sometimes things snowball.  Sometimes things throw me for a loop, completely out of the blue and I don't know how to react or respond without making things worse.  Fortunately, those days are few.  And fortunately, I have people to lean on when those days come around every now and then.

You've got to love a girl that can express herself

To be honest, I have had some extremely difficult moments with Everly in the past year.  Considering that Cortlan's "Terrible Two's" didn't start until well after he was two, the beginning of Everly's second year of life was wrought with frustration and dread as to what was to come; I was worried that it would only get worse.  The meltdowns.  The tantrums.  The tears.  The not-listening.  What were we going to do??

Fortunately, within the last month or so, it seems as though we have rounded a huge corner with Everly, and now, she is as sweet as can be, funny, and so very expressive.  She makes me smile and she makes me laugh.  I think much of her turnaround can be attributed to her relatively sudden ability to express her emotions verbally instead of in a screaming, raging outburst.  For example, one of her new favorite words: frustrated (or fustated, as it sounds), as in "I am so fustated!" 

We have heard much more coming from Everly as she explores new words and new ways to express herself.  Last Friday on the way to school, she piped up from the backseat, "Darnit. I forgot something at home." Not that I am encouraging it, but it was a totally contextually appropriate (and relatively calm) use of the word, and John and I couldn't help but to laugh.

Yesterday, on the way home from school, Everly was talking a blue streak, telling us all about her day, who she played with, what she did (built a block tower that went all the way to the ceiling!), that her friend Max spilled milk at snack time and some got on her shirt, that she was going to dress up in her Minnie Mouse stuff, some of which she doesn't even own but that "Santa is going to bring!"  After a brief pause, she then said, "I am sad!"  When asked why, she responded, "None of my fends told me dat my sues are bootiful!"  You can imagine the discussion that ensued.  We had to explain to her that it doesn't matter if her friends tell her that her shoes are beautiful, that doesn't make them any less beautiful.  If she thinks they are beautiful, they are.  And even if they aren't, that is no big deal, either.  And she was fine with that.

Life has changed with Everly.  At least for the moment, I feel that things are getting easier.  At the very least, they are getting more entertaining.

Happy Anniversary to me!

Know what's weird?  Day by day nothing seems to change.  But pretty soon everything's different.
~Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes

It is hard for me to believe, but one year ago today, I wrote my first post. And 103 posts later, I can't agree more with Calvin.

This has been a revolutionary year for me: one of reflection and realization and much appreciated moments. One of growth. 

And to a large extent, change.

In many day-by-day kinds of ways, things haven't changed much.  But when I look back at earlier posts and see my children one year ago, hear their voices, and recall those moments, I see that things are most definitely different.  Time changes most things...especially children.  They are growing so quickly.

When I read that first post again and think about myself, I realize I have grown, too.  In that first post, I was trying to make sense of a feeling, a need to be better in a bigger sense of the word...and I do think that I have made progress towards becoming a better life-liver, life-appreciator, life-lover.  I have not changed the world, but I have come to realize my place in it a little better.  Writing this blog has helped me keep a certain focus.  It has forced me to look at things from a different angle.  It has been therapeutic. It has been a place to record memories and a place to share.

Also, writing and thinking as I have for the last year has forced me to realize that, most of the time, life is not extraordinary.  But sometimes it is.  Sometimes it deals you a rough hand.  Sometimes it lifts you up, and sometimes it throws you down.  But here it is.  It is the highs and the lows, the trials, tribulations, and triumphs.  It is in this moment, and this place.  It is around you and in you.  This......This is life.

On this one year anniversary, I want to give a shout out to anyone who has ever read this blog, to the few that have followed it or have subscribed, and especially to the people that have taken moments out of their days to send me comments in one way or another about it.  Thanks for being part of this life of mine and for helping me to think differently.  Thank you for letting me be a part of yours.

It is by no means perfect, but my life did change for the better a year ago today, even if only in small and internal ways.  And I am going to keep at it.  And I am going to keep loving it...one extraordinary moment at a time.

Happy New Year

The year ended last night on a high note, enjoying the company of some new friends and with many reminders of all of the good things about 2010.  It was a great year.

As we begin the new one, I find myself in an interesting place in life. 

I am a very goal-oriented person, who generally has one eye on the future.  I am a planner.  A long-term-goal-maker.

In my life, as with many, there were milestones: surviving high school and getting into college, doing well in college and graduating, getting that first "real" job, getting an apartment, getting married, buying a house, having a baby, having a second baby, and...done.  Well, I know that I am not really done.  I mean, at least there is the whole raising the children thing.  But for me, for my personal major milestones, I am there.

And it is a weird feeling.  And what is really weird for me, who is notoriously horrible at change (and I have never mentioned that before, right?) is that I almost feel ready for one.  Or, I guess, I feel ready for a new milestone.  Or a new goal, at least.

I feel like this past year has been one full of self-reflection and coming to know myself in a whole new way.  I have made many realizations about life in general.  I have been inspired.  I have been moved.  I have learned new ways to achieve happiness.  I have grown.  I have learned to cut others some slack, and I have learned to cut myself some slack.  I have learned that I am capable of much. 

So I start the year with no real goal in mind, no major milestone added to my list, but with eyes wide open for opportunity and for growth.  And at the very least, a plan to enjoy, to savor, to live.

Happy New Year, friends.  I wish you the best that it has to bring.

And on that day...

I was folding laundry at nine o'clock last night, when I found myself reminiscing of a life past.  Of a time when...

• I could watch Oprah any day of the week at 4 o'clock.  Even horizontally aligned, snuggled under a blanket, dozing, if I so desired.
• I had a very clean house.  Crazy clean, by my current standards.  Like, the kind of clean that I might be willing to pay top dollar for right now.  And I didn't even mind cleaning because, hey, what else did I have to do?
• I made fancy dinners and tried all kinds of new recipes that had all kinds of new ingredients.  I didn't mind being in the kitchen.
• I didn't step on a single toy for years at a time, as opposed to hours.
• I looked for things to do.  And often that meant seeing a movie.  Or shopping.  (Or cleaning.) 
• I watched the entire football game on Sunday instead of heading to the store (because that also happens to coincide with nap time and the stores are less crowded because everyone else is at home watching the game).  Oh, and I knew the players names and could even talk about awesome or not-so-awesome plays the next day at lunch.
• I had current music in my collection.
• I exercised 4-6 days per week for at least an hour each day.
• My husband and I enjoyed working on home improvement projects.  And we did them together.  At normal hours of the day.
• I could finish all of the laundry for the week in one day, if I wanted to.
• My house was quiet.

And as I reminisced, I found myself insanely jealous of some of my friends.

And then it hit me.

I will be able to lay on the couch and watch TV at 4 o'clock again someday.
And I will be able to make fancy dinners again someday.
And I won't have very much laundry to do someday.

And my house will be quiet again someday.
Too quiet.

And on that day, I will remember when...

What gives?

I thought I was busy in the spring.  I had obviously blocked out what the beginning of the school year was like, having been on maternity leave last year for the occasion.  My mistake seems to be trying to continue to do everything that I have been doing for the last several months, plus wake up an hour and a half earlier (while not going to bed any earlier), plus work my 40+ hours a week, plus accomodate for my guilt of leaving the kids by somehow trying to magnify the quality time I do get to spend with them.

I still haven't decided what can give.  I guess I have just got to adjust to the "new crazy."  I am having difficulties with that this week, but I know it will get better.  Then, maybe I will be able to find time to tell the story of seeing Santa Claus at the fair this week, or going swimming on Wednesday, or Aunt Alana's birthday party on Thursday, or a neighbor's birthday today, or two special little girls' birthday party tomorrow, or finally getting to go out for our wedding anniversary tomorrow night...

I did it!

The week is over and I feel good.  This week...

• The kids started at their new daycare (aka "school").  Everly didn't nap the first day, which resulted in a disastrous evening on Monday due to sheer exhaustion, but at least she saved the worst for home and made a decent impression on her teachers.  Cortlan loved it so much he didn't want to leave.  Seriously.  He wouldn't even come over and give me a hug when I got there.  He just said, "Can I just stay for a couple more minutes??"  Every day got better for Everly, with Friday being the first day that she didn't even cry when we left.  Cortlan still didn't want to leave, even on Day 5.  And I didn't have to make one single lunch.  I am very pleased with our decision to change schools - a decision that I was once so very worried about.
• John and I started back to work.  We survived the first days of in-service, with which I have a love-hate relationship.  I asked John too many times what time it was during the superintendent's speech, only to find that it was merely 8:30 AM at last check.  Though, I loved the African Dance Troop that performed for us.
• I managed to maintain a relative calm up to the first day of school with students.  It was an effort.  I had made a conscious decision that my anxiety and nerves were not going to get the better of me this year.  To a large degree, it worked, and I think I was able to enjoy the last days of summer more than any year prior.  However, the night before school started, I had a weird feeling and actually said to John, "I am a bit unsettled that I am not more nervous right now."  It felt foreign to not be worked up into some sort of a frenzy about the first day of school.  Well, next year I need to heighten my level of concern and find a happy medium, I believe.  Thursday morning, I was going crazy because of the things that I had neglected to be stressed about and therefore hadn't taken care of in the way that I should have.  The day with the students went off without a hitch, but it was a sprint to the starting line and there is still quite a bit to take care of behind the scenes that would normally be done by now.  You live and you learn, I suppose.  I will find my balance.
• I ran.  I wasn't sure that I would be able to keep up my running once school started (and truthfully, it was just a week, so I can't really make that generalization just yet), but I did get in my scheduled three of the five days this week.  For the first time ever, I ran instead of going out to lunch on an in-service day.  I have mixed feelings about that.  I knew that there would be no other time that day, and I am proud of myself for doing it.  BUT, I missed out on lunch with friends I haven't seen all summer.  AND I was a sweat ball for the afternoon in-service meeting.  I felt like I ran pretty quickly, but factoring in changing clothes, drive time, the five miles around the lake, drive time back, toweling off and changing back into my clothes, I was lucky to only be five minutes late to the afternoon session.  Lunch just isn't long enough. 
• I ran.  Switching to the evening runs is not proving to be easy.  Yawning on my way out the door at 6:30 AM is a kind of waking of the senses, a relatively pleasant experience.  Yawning on my way out the door at 8:00 PM after a day that began at 5:00 AM and included teaching all day and savoring every energy-filled moment of the sacred after-school time I get to spend with my kids is a different sensation altogether.  But, I did it.  We will see if I can continue to do it.
• And I ran a little more.  Last year, I ran my first 5K.  Today, I ran the same one again, and this time I did it 2 minutes faster.  A definite highlight of the week was after the race when John said, "I am proud of you." And when Cortlan said, "Great job, Mommy! I liked how you ran fast the entire time!" I am going to include the details of my finish, not for any other reason than if I don't record them, I will forget them as I did in May when I had to google search to find my time in last year's race.  But I am thrilled with my race -  I managed a 2nd place in my age division and 29th overall, with a time of 22:47.  Or maybe it was 22:46.  I have to check.

So yes, the week is over and I feel good.  And now I am going to take a nap.

A Bit of Strategery

Last night, after zzzzzzzz's were floating out of the kids' bedrooms, I ran out to get a movie and some milk.  As I drove past the various stores in the strip mall on my way to the grocery store, a woman casually browsing some sidewalk sale tables caught my attention.  In a glance, the woman brought to my mind a flash of my past self, a former version of myself who could casually shop and browse and linger at whatever hour of the day she so chose, provided that the stores were open.  The suddenness of this memory and the stark contrast of it to my current life had me chuckling. 

Oh, how things change when you have children.  What used to be mindless and carefree and enjoyable and easy now requires downright strategy.  Somehow, this Michael's-bargain-hunting woman brought this to the front of my mind.  Take earlier in the day, for example...

In the car, en route to the outlet mall, with husband and kids in tow for a bit of school clothes shopping (mostly for me, because I tried on my pants from the spring only to find that they don't fit my butt and thighs anymore.  Lovely.): 
Here's the game plan.  I need to go to Banana Republic, the shoe store, and Gap, at the very least.  Gap and Banana Republic are at opposite ends of the mall.  How about if you drop me off at Banana Republic, which is at the front.  Then, you go park near Gap, and while you walk with the kids down to Banana Republic, hopefully, I will be able to get most of what I need done in there.  Then, while I go to the shoe store, you can play on the playground.  And then we will work our way back up to the car, making Gap the last stop.  How does that work?

Sounds like a plan, he says.  I had two snacks packed for the kids.  I had a cooler and a picnic lunch packed so we could stop at a State Park on the way home for some lunch.  Everyone had a drink.  I even had a table cloth, plates, and plasticware.  We were at the huge outlet mall for a grand total of two hours, during which time I purchased two pairs of pants, a skirt, a top, a pair of heels, and some bargains for the kids for next summer.  It takes practically 20 minutes to just walk from one end of the mall to the other, and I tried on all of the clothes and I got some really great deals.  Nothing leisurely or lingering about that.  Strategy.  Multitasking. I felt like I was creating a battle plan.  Timing was everything.  No one would be hungry or thirsty.  We would enjoy the sunshine while simultaneously getting something accomplished.  And we did.  And it was really a wonderful day.

But man, have things changed.  These days, I need a strategy for just about everything:  a strategy for finding time to run (alarm set, running outfit on dresser, coffee on timer, back before kids awake or just having breakfast), a strategy for finding time to shower (if John isn't going to be home, that just means an earlier run, shower while Ev is still asleep, and set Cortlan up with some educational TV), a strategy to grocery shop, and cook, and clean, and soon to get out of the house with all four of us looking sharp at 6:30 AM to get to school on time.  And then a strategy to still find time for that much needed exercise.  Because without it, I would be exhausted.

My Speech

Ok, so here is the script from my speech, given to the magna cum laude and summa cum laude graduates of my high school alma matter at their honors banquet the day before they graduated.  I am hesitant to post this, because I think that the delivery can really change a speech.  If you have read most of my blog, you will see that I incorporated some of my former blog posts into the speech, so some may be familiar to you.  (Sorry!)  If you haven't read the post about what I went through before, during, and after this speech, you may want to read that first.  (Though, that might be more reading than you want to do.)  Anyway, as anticlimactic as it may be, here goes...

Thank you. Good evening everyone.

I feel like I should start this speech tonight by saying that at this moment, my biggest fear is either heights or public speaking. And I realize that both are kind of weird fears for me to have, considering that: 1. I have jumped out of an airplane eight times and 2. I am a teacher who stands in front of a classroom full of people everyday. But I can assure you that jumping out of an airplane is very different than looking over a balcony or walking up steps that don't have risers or walking across a bridge or a number of other things that I could mention that have sent my heart racing. And standing in front of a class teaching my students physics is very different than standing here tonight. But I have only had one panic attack in my life. It was on the sky coaster at Kennywood about ten years ago. (My husband probably still has the marks on his arm and the ringing in his ears from the experience.) So, I am figuring that if I don't have a panic attack while giving this speech tonight, I can officially rank public speaking as number two on my list of fears. We will see how that goes.

With that said...I can't tell you how many times I started writing this speech only to scrap it and start over again. It really wasn't as easy as Miss Ross made it sound when she was trying to convince me to do it. I mean, to be asked was sincerely an honor, but just reading the e-mail asking me to do this was cause for a reapplication of deodorant. What can I possibly say to inspire you? You are among the best and brightest. You are self motivated. You are are hard working. You are inspirational.

I went to many sources when trying to decide what to say. I even resorted to Facebook and asked my friends what advice they would give you if they were in my position. You certainly don't want to know everything they had to say; trust me. In fact, I should probably include some advice in here about not doing research via a status update, and maybe even "don't always listen to your facebook friends."

But I found it interesting that the very first piece of advice that came up was, "I would advise them to do something that scares them, often."

What are you afraid of? Think about that. What are you afraid of? I mean really afraid of?

I can tell you that there have been many things I have been afraid of in my life, heights and public speaking aside.

15 years ago, I was you. And I remember everyone and their mother, literally, asking me where I was going to college and what I was going to major in, and what I wanted to do with my life. I got tired of the looks when I said, "Uhhhhh. I have no idea," and so I started to just make things up. But the reality was that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. For things like this banquet, I wrote down that I was majoring in architecture. It just sounded a lot better than "undecided," even though that is really what I was. The uncertainty was really scary for me. I felt like I was just supposed to "know" what I wanted to do with my life. I was supposed to be able to picture my life in 5, 10, 15 years. But I could hardly picture my life in 5 months! What I did know was that I wanted to graduate college, get a job, probably get married. I didn't really know if I wanted to have kids or not. I kind of envisioned having a prestigious career of some sort, though I wasn't sure which, and just like everyone, I wanted to be rich...you know...successful.

But I was also afraid of failure. There came that point in senior year when we had to vote on senior superlatives. People were coming up to me and telling me that they were going to vote for me for most likely to succeed, and I immediately pleaded for them to not vote for me. I felt like if I was voted most likely to succeed, that there would be this expectation hanging over me for the rest of my life - the expectation that I would actually succeed. And come on! I was to the point of making things up about what I was going to do with the rest of my life! How could I be most likely to succeed? But I was voted most likely to succeed. And that made me even more afraid to fail. When I came back to meet with my friends at my 10 year reunion, what would I be? Would I live up to my title? But I wasn't just afraid to fail in the big picture; I was afraid to fail in lesser ways, too. I think that is just something that people like you and I have in common...how many times have you said, "Oh my gosh. I totally failed that test." And then at worst, you got a B?

In my life I have also been afraid of change. Well, maybe "afraid" isn't the right word for this one...maybe just "not good at dealing with" change would be more appropriate. John would probably say that is the understatement of the century. I started college at Penn State main campus as an architecture major. I can tell you that going from high school to college was one of the two biggest changes that I have ever faced in my life. Becoming a mother and everything that came along with it was the other of the top two. In both cases, being who I am and due to my "bad at dealing with change" nature, I cried for weeks as I reeled from the change. I was in a tailspin. Within two days of class starting at Penn State, I switched my major to "undecided". Within two weeks of being there, I moved home (literally, on a Friday, I moved all of my possessions home) and then, realizing that was going to get me nowhere, I moved all of my possessions back on Sunday. (My parents loved me.) To a point, the change was almost overwhelming. Unfortunately, my 15 month old daughter seems to have inherited a bit of this from me, as I recently found when went to drop her off at her daycare and I forgot her daily banana in the car. I had to run back out to the car to get it, but the damage was already done. She thought I left her without the banana that starts her every morning. You would have thought that I was abusing the poor child. She cried for 45 minutes, because there was a change in her routine.

What are you afraid of?

You might not even know yet. I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid of change. I was afraid of failure.

And while I am not able to stand here tonight and tell you that I have done a complete 180, I can tell you that the unknown doesn't really scare me much anymore - it taunts me a bit, and sometimes frustrates me; it certainly makes me uneasy at times, but it also really excites me. As R.I. Fitzhenry said, "Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life. Don't let them scare you unduly, for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity." Think about where you are right now. Yes, it might be a bit scary that you don't know exactly where you are going to be in five or ten years, but how exciting is it that your path isn't set? How exciting is it that there are people that you have yet to meet that will change your life? How exciting that there are experiences that you will have that you can't even fathom? Uncertainty can be scary, but it doesn't have to be. Very rarely are the decisions you make final. For example, I can assure you that you can change your mind if you don't like your major. I obviously did, and of the 19 people that responded to another one of my scientific studies via status update, 12 of them had changed their majors multiple times. One officially changed her major eight times, unofficially 14 times, and still graduated in 4 years. Another began college with a biomedical engineering major and ended up with a double major in history and dance. Seriously. Uncertainty can be scary, but if you let them, through your uncertainties you may discover your passion. You also may travel to places that you have never imagined. I spent a month in Korea, a spring break in Germany, a portion of my student teaching in Ireland. I highly recommend that you travel in college. You will likely never have the same freedom or opportunities to do so again in your life. But more importantly, push yourself beyond your comfort zone. You have no idea what you might be capable of. Jump into the unknown. Some of the best experiences that I had in college, or even in my life, were the ones that I would have never pictured in my future when I sat at these tables.

As for change, well, even now, 100 years or so after my high school graduation, I am still not the best at dealing with change. It is just my nature, and I think in large part, it is human nature. But I have mastered it somewhat. When I had my second child, I only cried for a few days as opposed to the weeks with my first. I have even dealt relatively gracefully with the changes in my environment since having children. For example, I used to be able to open my nicely organized Tupperware cabinet without an avalanche of random containers falling out. I am ok with the avalanche these days, because I know that playing in that cabinet is something that my kids love to do, and my love for my kids and seeing them happy far outweighs my somewhat obsessive love for organization. Honestly, I have had to change. The other option was to go crazy. Just like Robert C. Gallagher said, "Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine." It is. Change is inevitable, but it is also necessary. What would our lives be if there was no change? There will always be a little discomfort with change, but it is what helps us grow. You will be dealing with a lot of change in the near future. Be prepared for it, and you will excel. Know that the A's may not come as easy. But there is no shame in heading to your professors' office hours or to the tutorial center and getting some extra help. And a B isn't the end of the world. Know that you will at times feel homesick, but that you will always be able to go back home, and that you will be able to make a new home of your own, too, wherever you are. Know even though they may not be an arm's length away, your support system is still going to be there for you, and that you will soon discover a world full of people that will be there for you and inspire you in new ways, too. Know that you don't always need a banana to start your day. Change is uncomfortable, but necessary. If you want to move forward in life, you have to accept that change will be a part of it. Just prepare yourself as best you can and be ready to move forward.

Unknown. Change. Failure... I am not going to say, "do not fear failure." Because I think that in a lot of ways, a little bit of that fear helps motivate us, helps us reach new heights. I know that I am not the only one in this room that rewrote Mr. Saludis's notes because he told us it would help us do better, or who did the completely optional practice problems when preparing for a physics or calculus test, even though we were probably among the only ones in the class who didn't really need to. So do maintain a little bit of that motivational fear, but do not let that fear cripple you. You have tasted success, and though it may not be as easy as you move forward, you have everything that it takes to achieve whatever goals you set.

I was on the track team when I was here. I was actually a sprinter, and during my senior year, our team won the championship. But you don't see many people sprinting for recreation and so for a long time, I didn't do much running. I tried to stay fit, though, and found that I felt best when I exercised. (I strongly recommend exercise, even when you have the least time for it, you will find that is when you benefit most from it.) Anyway, once I had kids, I didn't find it as easy schedule-wise to go to do a lot of the stuff that I had been doing, so I came back to running, something that can be done pretty much anytime, anywhere. Now, I mentioned I was a sprinter. Never have I "enjoyed" distance running. So, for a while when I first started, it was a little bit of torture. I remember on one run in particular, all I wanted to do was stop and walk. On that run, I had a kind of realization. As I was running, I realized that most of it was mental...I wanted to walk, but what was stopping me from running to that next stop sign? Sure, my legs were getting tired, but they were still carrying me forward, and they didn't hurt - at least not in an injury kind of way. My breathing was labored, but no worse than the half-mile before. I broke my run into short goals - get to the next stop sign...get to the next street...and I finished what I set out to do. Life is mostly mental. You have to decide what you want to do, convince yourself that you can, and then find a way to get it done. Set manageable goals, and once you do, don't give yourself an out, don't say "I'll try". Just figure out a way to get it done and do it. Work hard. With where you are now, I don't think you have had much of a problem with that so far - don't stop now. There is a great Nike quote that says, "The only one who can tell you you can't is you. And you don't have to listen." You can reach your goals. It's all mental.

For some, setting and reaching goals will mean success. But keep in mind you have an entire life to live. You have an entire life through which to define your success.

Do not miss out on the bigger successes in life due to any amount of fear of failure. I had read it before, but in a new frame of mind, I recently reread a passage by Ralph Waldo Emerson, who said:

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

When it comes to the big picture, do not fear failure. Live a good life, and create your success. It is all mental. It is all within you. You have already set yourself up for every success in the world.

And there is one last thing that I want to leave you with, and this doesn't really have to do with fears, but is something that has become kind of my mantra over the years. Through the moments in your life, good and bad, please keep in mind that someday, this will all be a memory. As I was struggling through the writing process for this speech, I had to remind myself of this. I was stressed out and frightened of the public speaking, and probably of the possibility of failure, but I knew that one way or another, come the end of June 9th, this speech would be a memory. It would be behind me, for better or for worse. (And hey - no panic attack!) There will be challenging, and difficult moments in your life, ones that you would rather not experience. There will be uncertainty and change, and you will probably experience failure on some level at some point. But someday, you will be through it, and those moments will be nothing but memories, so get through them with the knowledge that they will be behind you and that they have made you stronger. There will also be joyous, sweet, laughter-filled, and precious moments in your life. Like the others, those moments will pass by, too, and will be nothing but memories. Love life and the people you have in your life with all of your being. Let your kids play in the cabinets. Enjoy those moments while you are in them; embrace them; let them fill you up.

As I sat here 15 years ago, I had no idea what my future held. But I wanted to be successful. I have no doubt that I am. I wanted to be rich. I am richer than I would have ever dreamed.

As you make your way on this new journey, do not let fears hinder you. Go out with confidence and experience the world and all of its unknowns. Find your success. Become rich.

Congratulations.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Ok, so I know I have said this before, but I am not good at dealing with change.

And you would think that being able to recognize your weaknesses would be a good thing.

But, I have recently realized that, as if the "not good at dealing with change" component of my personality isn't bad enough, knowing about this fault can be downright crippling.

Because now, when I am faced with change, I have a whole new set of questions and feelings and confusions.  Because now, when I feel that familiar unsettled feeling, I am forced to wonder:  is it because I am just uncomfortable with change?  Or is it that this particular change is a bad one and I should feel uncomfortable?

I am dealing with this in a very overt way as we make decisions regarding childcare.  Am I just afraid to make a change?  Or am I uncertain/scared/uncomfortable because it would be a bad move?  Ugh.  The chess game of life. 

So, anyway, while I am struggling with what seems at this moment to be a very important decision regarding change, I decided to improve on my weakness by making a less important change...the design of my blog.  At least this one can be reversed with a click of a button if I decide it was the wrong decision, or if the feedback is negative.  Please let me know what you think.  About all of this.

C'mon.  It has been a long time since I have had a comment.  :)

These days...

Everly is trying so hard to talk, and I find myself wishing she could.  But once she does, we enter into a whole new phase of life, never to return to babyhood again.  Say 'Cortlan'! She says, "Coaa-ahhh!" Say 'shoes'! She says "shhhhsss".  And quite often, from the backseat of the car or from the high chair, we hear a very clear, "uhhhhh-ohhhhh," as she accidentally (or more often, on purpose) drops something.  (Her lips pucker into the cutest little "o" shape.)  She laughs at her brother and teases him in the car as she tries to hand him something and then pulls it away at the last second.  She tries to get me to chase her after she is undressed and ready for a bath, laughing the whole time.  She loves to be tickled.  She loves to catch a ball.  She is amazingly surefooted and loves to dance.

Cortlan has become a little boy.  He has lost all aspects of being a baby or toddler.  And sometimes that surprises me.  I remember writing the post about him moving to preschool in February.  In the way that he has changed since, that seems like two lifetimes ago.  He has developed his language and enunciation skills.  He has become more confident in some ways, giving a loud, "hi" to a neighbor from afar, but not in others, as he still clings to my leg in new situations.  He smiles and giggles, makes spaceships out of swiffers, and wants to be a fireman-doctor when he grows up.  He says, "Awwww.  Mannnnnn." when I say something that disappoints him.  He asks me, "Can we just have a stay at home day today?"  He says, "You know what?  We haven't played play-doh in a long time!?"  He tells me he loves me a lot.

How can we want so badly for our kids to grow up, while simultaneously want so badly for them to be little forever?

A new year begins

I turn 33 today, and...

• I am pretty sure that I got about 33 new grey hairs overnight.  Seriously.  Was there some sort of switch that got flipped?  Turn 33, go grey - flip! I am to the point now that I have to make a decision: go grey gracefully or go against my cheapskate nature and cross over to the dark side of having my hair dyed, never to return again to the natural world.  Neither option is very appealing right now.  But, if I pluck many more, I will be bald before I know it.
• I am very curious as to what the future will hold.  When I think about all of the things that have happened in my life to lead me to this point, a point that I would have never envisioned years ago, it really amazes me.  All of the good stuff, all of the bad stuff, every twist and turn, the things that I had control over and the things that had control over me - it all has led me to this point.  All of those experiences have made me who I am.  And I am happy with that, and I am happy to have realized that, too.  Because it makes thinking about all of the other experiences that I have yet to have seem that much more exciting.
• I am proud to say that while I may not be in the best shape of my life, I am in better shape than I would have ever anticipated at this point.  I remember a time not that long ago when I wasn't able to run three miles without stopping.  On Saturday, I ran my second 5K. 
• I am not proud to say that if I didn't write my time down, I would forget it, as I did with my first 5K time that I thought I would always remember.  (That race was in September.  You would think that I would have been able to keep it in my head for less than a year, especially since it was my first.  But, no.  I had to look it up online, where it thankfully was safely stored.  So here, for my own future reference, are my times:  September 2009: 24.46.  May 22, 2010: 24.38.)
• I am happy to say that overall, I am happy. Genuinely happy. Not in a "my life is perfect" kind of way, because it isn't. Not in a "stress-free" kind of way, because it isn't that, either. (Obviously. Remember the grey hairs?) But in a "this moment is as good as it can possibly be, and I am going to enjoy it thoroughly" kind of way. Of course, there are moments that get by me unnoticed, and there are other moments during which I am irate, but when I stop and think about my general state, I am definitely happy.
• I am extremely thankful for all of the gifts that I have in my life - my husband, my two beautiful kids, my awesome and thoughtful and supportive friends and family, my health, the ability to laugh, to cry, and to celebrate, and the realization that I could sit here for days listing everything that I am thankful for.

This is going to be a great year, grey hair (or not) and all.

And things just seem so much better when it is 80 degrees in April

Some observations from the week:

• Anyone who thinks that what they eat doesn't affect how kids behave should witness the transformation that takes place within minutes of my son having a fun size pack of Skittles.
• There is something unbelievably cute about a 1 year-old in capris and sandals.
• I realize that facing adversity and learning to deal with it is part of growing up, and I don't want to be "that" mom, but sometimes after hearing certain stories, it is hard to not go into Cortlan's preschool and kick some three-year-old butt on his behalf.
• I love my neighborhood and hanging out with my neighbors, but the latest  and best thing - the baby monitor still works in the driveway of our new next door neighbors' house after bedtime.
• I really do not enjoy having to use my weekends to catch up on all of the housework that cannot get accomplished during the workweek.  I really just want to be able to go places and do things, especially now that the weather is getting so nice.  Thus, I am thisclose to hiring someone to clean for me during the school year.  But I probably won't. 
• I like the word swagger.  I don't know why.  I just do.  I don't even really know how to use it.  Is it a noun?  A verb?
• I make it through the first year, and in hindsight, I am kind of able to enjoy babyhood...but things really get fun during the second year.  Now that Everly is starting to communicate a bit more (signing more, all done, eat/hungry, bathtime, and sleepy) and doesn't need to be carried around everywhere, life is getting easier.
• Sometimes, even though I may just want to go to bed and have to reluctantly drag myself there, a girls' night out is exactly what I need.  Though, having it on a Wednesday night may not be the best plan.
• Playing Ring Around The Rosie is much more fun with two kids than one.

Happy Easter!

Changes

Those who know me well know that I am horrible at dealing with change.  Really, really bad.  Which is probably part of the reason that I cried for two weeks straight after having my first child.  (Well, that and the awful deluge of post-pregnancy hormones.)  But, the good news is that I have gotten much better.  (I only cried for mere days after the birth of my second child.)  Obviously, I am not "cured," by any means, but having kids has really helped me handle change with a little more grace.  Because, really, I am figuring that is what raising kids is about...constant change.  And dealing with it.  Because everytime you think you have them figured out, they change.

Change comes swiftly with kids...so quickly, you hardly realize it is happening.  Take this last month, for example:  Everly, within the last three weeks, has gone from two naps to one, has gone from four bottles of formula a day to just one in the morning and one at night, now gets two sippy cups of milk and snacks instead of the other two bottles, has switched from a rear-facing car seat to a front-facing one, and has taken her first steps.  No wonder she has been a little cranky.

Change with Cortlan is a little more subtle...yet, it is most definitely there.  His vocabulary and thought processes amaze me every day.  His enunciation is improving on a daily basis.  I swear, two days ago his beginning letters all sounded like "d's," and yesterday he said, "first" as if he had been saying it right all his life.  He is getting taller.  I need to put another mark on the back of his door, because he very well may have grown a half inch in the last week.  He is getting opinionated.  He is growing up.

Last night, I went into the laundry room and Mr. Giraffe was laying on the floor.  I carried him upstairs and showed him to John.  This makes me a little sad.  Cortlan has slept holding onto Mr. Giraffe since he was 7 months old.  (Gasp. Yes, I put a stuffed animal in bed with my child at 7 months old.  But I had a plan, and it worked.  He got attached to that giraffe, and when he started daycare, Mr. Giraffe went with him.  It was an irreplacable piece of home, and it helped my little boy sleep.  If Mr. Giraffe was there, we all felt good.)  So, the fact that Mr. G. was on the laundry room floor while said little boy was sleeping peacefully in his bed called attention to the change, and that made me a little sad.  

I am getting better at change, but I am pretty confident that I am still going to be that mom that bawls her eyes out on the first day of kindergarden...and at every other milestone in the book.  Don't even get me started about my little boy's wedding day.  I have, pathetically, already cried about that one.  (I have a theory about that - but I will leave that for a later post.)

I am getting better at change, and I am taking this growing-up thing all in stride.  At least, the best I can.  But I still tiptoed into Cortlan's room last night and snuggled Mr. Giraffe next to him in bed.  Just in case.

To the other side of the building

Time is a really weird thing. Sometimes you just forget about it. You go to bed, wake up, eat breakfast, go about your daily routine...and then you look up and things are different.

Cortlan started preschool this morning. He has been at daycare ever since I went back to work when he was eight months old (barring summers and my second maternity leave), so you would think that this would be no big deal. I thought it would be no big deal. I mean, he is literally just moving to the other side of the relatively small building...he will be there the same hours, essentially do the same thing...but with three-year olds. And it was a big deal.

He has been "transitioning" this week. He has spent a few hours here and there in the preschool room, and yesterday he even took a nap there. But today was the first day that he started the day in that room.

Cortlan cried this morning. On the way to school. He never does that. "I don't wanna go to peeskole! I wanna be a ittle boy!" This from my big boy, who feeds our dog all by himself after dinner without even being asked, who holds his sister's hand in the car when she is sad, who insists that he can "do it by me-self!" any chance that he can, but who is also a little bit afraid that there are monsters in his closet (though doesn't want to admit it, as he assures me with a shaky confidence that "some monsers are nice...right?").

This morning was hard for me, too. I just wanted to cuddle him up. You know what? If you don't want to grow up, you don't have to. I will forsake my dreams of grandchildren (of which there are no guarantees anyway) to have you as my little boy forever. I will always want to hold you like this, and build block towers on the floor, and pretend to eat the delicious play-doh food you made me for dinner.

But alas, I had to be the grown up. We confidently and enthusiastically walked into that preschool room. And because I bribed him with a Blueberry Special K Breakfast bar, we had no more crying.

Oh, Cortlan. If you only knew how much I would just love to pause time right now.

But I went about my daily routine, went to bed, woke up, ate breakfast. And then I looked up and my ittle boy was a preschooler.


(My favorite video clip, taken about a year ago.)

Embarking...

Did you ever see something, read something, more like experience something, that gave you a sensation that you may have had a moment there that would be pivotal in your life? Something that made you want to be better? A better photographer, a better writer, a better mom, a better person...I am still not sure. Maybe just a better life-liver. Or life-appreciator. Or life-lover, even.

I had one of those moments not long ago. I have been sitting in that sensation, wondering about it, trying to figure out what it meant in my life. I still don't know. But the fact that I am still thinking about it weeks later makes me feel like I need to do something. Beginning this blog is my start.

Now, I do not think that I am going to change the world; I have no ambitions to do that. I don't even know if anyone but me will even read this. (At this point, I don't even know if I am going to share it with a single soul - on purpose, at least.) But maybe what will come of this, if nothing else, is something for me to look back on and appreciate as my kids grow, as life changes right before my eyes.

What is this blog about? I have no idea. It is about life, I suppose. My life. (?) About living and appreciating what I have. I am writing it because every night when my head hits the pillow, I remind myself how much I appreciate my family and what I have in life...but sometimes, in that same thought, I wonder why I didn't remind myself of that in the moment. So, I guess maybe I am doing this to help me keep focus in life - to appreciate the moment while I am in it, not when it is gone.

Maybe this will be just a place to record memories that I don't want to forget, funny things that my 3 year old said, benchmarks in my 11 month old's life. Maybe it will be a place to mention a good deal that I got. Maybe to just lay down some goals so they aren't just floating around in my head with nothing to anchor them to. Maybe it will turn into something else.

But, it will be me, and my life, and my thoughts, and somewhere to put them.

I don't know, as I begin this, how long and even if I will be able to sustain it. One of my biggest issues in life is not having time for everything. Having a full time job on top of being a full time mom and wife leaves me with little time left. So, this is one more time-consuming endeavor. One more thing to put on my to-do list, I suppose. But I am hoping that it will be worth it in the end.

So, maybe my life will change for the better today, because I am going to start to love even those moments in life that don't seem so lovable. Or at least I am going to try.