10 weeks...

I have been quite the slacker when it comes to writing these posts.  Somehow, I always feel like I am going to have so much more time to do things like this in the summer.  But that just isn't the case.

Sometimes, I feel that we put our lives on hold for 42 weeks of the year and we have to live it all in these 10 short weeks of summer.  Considering all that we do and accomplish in the school year, I realize that isn't true, but the contrast of feeling like everything is a balancing act (and a tough one at that) during the school year versus the freedom to just do things in the summer is a stark one.  And we always seem to put things off until the summer.  And then most of those things don't get done, anyway, because, well, it is only 10 weeks, after all.  And when you spend your time at the pool, at the zoo, at family picnics, at the museums, riding bikes, running, going to gymnastics, and catching fireflies, it is hard to tackle those major projects.

I just haven't figured out how to maintain this casual and free feeling into the school year, when I have about 50+ hours a week less time to do all of the things that I am enjoying these days, plus the things I don't enjoy so much, like cleaning and grocery shopping.  And this year is going to be a doozy...with Cortlan and Everly in two different schools, with two different days and times for gymnastics and soccer, with my fall play stuff, with John's federation stuff...and then Cortlan's allergist recommended that he get allergy shots once a week. (I am still trying to figure out which day that would work.)

But the bottom line is that we are having a great summer and we are so lucky to have these 10 weeks to spend together and make great memories.  The kids spent a good bit of time arguing and making me crazy for a while, but that has lessened considerably in the last week.  We still have a great beach vacation to look forward to, and plenty more time to enjoy the summer life.

And enjoy, we will...

Reflecting

Maybe it is because I haven't been paying enough attention. 
Maybe it is because there is just so much going on.
Maybe it is because I spend more of my time diffusing arguments, dealing with bickering and tattling, and trying to figure out ways to contend with the behavior issues that come with having a near-four and a six year old.
Maybe it is just because my children are growing up and it takes more effort, in general, to effectively parent them.

In any case, I haven't been very good at enjoying the moments lately.

Don't worry - there is nothing wrong.  I am totally fine.  The thing is, I am just...well, fine.

Fine is fine.  It really is.  But, two years ago, after I had started this blog and was consistently writing for a while, I felt way better than fine.  I had so much to write about.  I was finding those kairos moments more often than not.  Back then, I got a long taste of that feeling that is too often fleeting these days. 

That is how I started the blog post that I began earlier this afternoon.

I didn't have a chance to get much farther in writing it, as my five "allotted" minutes at the end of the day were up so soon and it was time to head out to get the kids.

John and I drove to work together today, and, after getting the kids, we realized that there was enough time for one of us to go home to get something accomplished while the other took the kids to gymnastics.  He graciously offered to take them so that I could go for a run.

Typically, I would have said "no," as I have a standing 8pm running date on Tuesdays with at least one of my two consistent running buddies.  But today my partners were unable to run with me.  A schedule conflict was the reason for one, and for the other, the 5 degree temperature with wind chills at least that many degrees below zero played a large part.  To be honest, I was a bit hesitant myself, but in the daylight the weather seemed much less daunting, and I felt like I needed to go.

So, John dropped me off at the house and I donned many layers.  I headed out without my watch, without my ipod, and without my friends. 

Immediately, I felt a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while.

And somewhere around mile 3, it hit me:  Maybe, just maybe, I haven't had an easy time enjoying the moments lately because I haven't had time to think about them.  I haven't spent the necessary time to reflect.  I haven't spent much time at all alone with nothing but my thoughts.  Here I was, with nothing to do but move one foot in front of the other and think.  And it took me three miles to realize what it was doing to me.  And what it did to me was a great thing.

I absolutely love running with my friends.  I truly, truly do.  And I will continue to do so, because it allows me to exercise and socialize and have great conversations with great ladies - a perfect combination for this multi-tasker who has so little time for a social life.  My friends get me out of the door in the dark and cold, when I know I would never do it on my own.  And I never, ever regret running those five miles with them. 

But those days, not so very long ago, when I had so much to write about?  Those days full of kairos moments?  Those were the same days that included me running by myself for five days a week.  Running solo 20-30 miles is great therapy.  It is much needed time to process and regroup.  It is often the only time during the week that I can slow my brain and assimilate everything.

Over the next mile or so, I thought of many things.  Life changes; I don't doubt that many of the things that I mentioned at the start of this post contribute to how I feel.  I also don't doubt that writing this blog less has something to do with it, because the less I am writing, the less I am reflecting.  I do think that giving myself the opportunity to think and be alone with my thoughts every now and then is an important part of that sense of balance for which I always seem to be striving.  And I do think it is possible for me to gain back that sense of ease at appreciating the moments.

Time to readjust.
Again.

Almost...

Sometimes people say to me things like "I don't know how you do it", referring to me working full time, running, writing a blog (or two), and more, while trying to be a good wife and mother (and friend and sister and daughter and coworker and teacher).  I usually smile politely.  Inside, I am often thinking, "Um. I don't.  I commonly fail miserably at one thing or another, while trying to keep several other things up in the air.  For example, I totally forgot to sign my kids up for swimming lessons. The dishes in the sink have been there for going on three days.  And because I work, there are plenty of things that I miss or can't do, like have tea parties with my kids at 10AM or make doctor's appointments without totally stressing out about what time it is going to have to be.  But, I do what I do because I have to and because I want to. And you could and would do it too, if you had to and/or you wanted to.  I am nothing special and there are plenty of people who do more than me."

The truth is, when I think about it, I really do have a lot of irons in the fire.  And sometimes, honestly, perhaps too many.  But, I know where my priorities are and I know what requires my attention and what can wait and, generally, I am able to find some sort of balance and make it work.  Lately, though, I have been all out of whack, and I am not entirely sure why.

But I will tell you that today I looked at my calendar and I realized how close the end of the school year is and I thought to myself, "At least there is an end in sight."  And if it weren't for that, right now I honesly don't know how I would do it.

Life is full

I have realized over the last few years that I have much more control over my own happiness than I ever knew before.  And let me tell you, I am working it.  I have long heard from many people that though you can't control what happens to you, you can control how you react to it and that your attitude has so much to do with your happiness.  I completely agree; once I am in a situation that cannot be changed, at least I have control over my attitude.  But what I am talking about goes even beyond that.  I now realize that I don't have to even put myself in many of the situations that used to cause me stress.  I realize that I have a fair amount of control over how I spend my time and that I can choose to spend it in a way that brings me happiness.  And I can change things.  And I can make decisions that bring change.  When I can also find a nice balance between all of the things that have become priorities in my life, I am in bliss.

On Saturday, I woke up early and headed to my college alma mater.  The campus has changed quite a bit since I was there last.  The building in which I spent most of my hours as an undergrad physics major has been completely renovated.  Touring the facility, I was amazed at the changes.  I am on the advisory board of the Physics Department there, and was happy to see many of my former professors and to interact and chat with them and the other members of the board.  And I was happy to contribute in a positive, albeit minor, way to the well-being of the department.

I got home at around 2:30 and at 3:30 the four of us headed to the birthday party of a classmate of Everly's whose brother happens to be a classmate of Cortlan's.  From there, we went home for a quick turnaround, dropped the kids off at my parent's house at around 7:00 and headed out to a surprise birthday party for a co-worker.  There, we had a great time socializing with old and new friends.

Despite a late night, I was up early yesterday to complete my first nine-mile run of my training for the half-marathon coming up on May 6th.  This was a milestone, as my longest run pre-injury was eight miles, and I have now finally surpassed that mark as I make my comeback.

We got Everly's pictures taken, which was a bit of an ordeal, and then spent the rest of the day yesterday around the house..

So this weekend, I didn't spend as much time as usual cleaning, though my house is relatively clean.  I got to be "professional" Joyce.  I got to hang out with my husband and friends in a social situation without kids.  I got to hang out with my kids and do the "mom" thing.  I got to rock a long run.  I got to relax a bit, and I tried my best to not stress.  I found a pretty decent balance.  I was tired.  But I was happy.

Sometimes, it doesn't come naturally

So is it seriously December already? Yeah. I thought I would have some balance back in my life by now but somehow things got WAY out of balance recently, and unfortunately it didn't sway towards the fun stuff.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have graded way too many papers in the late PM hours and, in general, spent way too much of my time working. Granted, the New York trip this past weekend was fun, with great food and phenomenal shows.  (How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying was fantastic - who knew that Daniel Radcliffe was so tiny?  And Warhorse was absolutely amazing. If the movie is anywhere close to being as good as the play, it will be a must-see.) But my mind has been overwhelmed.  I realized today that it has been far too long since I spent time with my kids with out simultaneously doing something else, be it laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, driving, eating, being on the computer or my phone, or simply sorting through or creating lists in my mind. It it's time for me to refocus. It is time for me to try to get back to the moment and work on being present. Sometimes, my to-do list is overwhelming - Christmas cards and baking, figuring out what we are going to do for Cort's January birthday, organizing the Christmas Eve get-together, shopping for gifts, household chores, work - and those things cannot be neglected.  But I owe it to myself, my husband, and my kids to give them my full attention as much as I can when I am with them, and to get back to loving the moments that life gives me.

Let the refocusing begin.  Again.

Nothing

Whew!  What a whirlwind couple of weeks!  With the fall play behind me, I can finally try to get some balance back into my life.  I ran yesterday for the first time in a week.  I got to bed before 11pm last night for the first time since last Tuesday.  I went to Costco today for the first time in a month.  I got home from work today and it was still daylight and I didn't have to drive back to the school an hour later.  Things are getting back to normal, so I will soon have something to write about and will hopefully have time to write it.  But for right now, I think I just want to relax for a bit and do...nothing.

What's on my mind...

• Sometimes, you just have to let things go. As the quote says, "Holding resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Think about it.  SO true.

• I don't like a lot of drama in my life. I typically avoid it like the plague. However, every now and then, drama keeps it interesting. And I am never opposed to listening to other people's drama.

• I like being a working mom. I don't like having to do my shopping at 9PM because there isn't another hour of the day that it can happen. 

• I have become an extreme multitasker out of necessity. If I am doing something, it is not uncommon for me to be doing at least two things. For example, I sort the mail while cooking dinner. I grade papers while making copies. This is not entirely bad, but I have made the recent realization that this multitasking is largely to blame for my clutter and disorganized state. I used to be able to start a job and work it through to completion, including any clean up involved. Now, I am constantly switching between and among tasks, leaving many unfinished until I get to them again later. Thus, the half sorted pile of mail (didn't want dinner to burn), the half graded stack of papers sitting on my desk (copies only take so long to make, and at least I got a few of those papers graded), and this blog (written in two minute chunks of time).

• Though I still regularly fly by the seat of my pants, I never regret taking the time to meal plan and/or prep the crock pot. The pay off is always there. 

• Sometimes, homework assignments are awesome. Like when Cortlan was assigned to collect fall leaves for a project at school earlier this week, which meant that we had to go for a walk on a beautiful fall day and look at all the beautiful, colorful leaves on the trees and on the ground and pick the ones that were just perfect. This assignment took a while to complete. Darn.

Balance

I realize in my life that one of the most important things contributing to my sense of happiness is balance.    Work, play, family, friends, self, and exercise...all priorities in my life, all with their place, all necessary in my "big picture."  I find my stress levels rise as soon as the balance shifts too heavily towards one thing or too far away from another.

And here we are, August 11, with the start of school just around the corner.
And any balance that I have achieved this summer will soon be gone, and I will have to find a new balance.  And that really stresses me out. 

How do I spend the last days of summer?

Do I relax on the deck and read a magazine?  Do I paint the walls?  Do I play on the floor with my kids?  Do I get on the computer and do some school work?  Do I go for a run?  Do I go to the museum or to the pool with the kids?  Do I go shopping?  Do I organize?  Do I go visit my friends?  Do I clean the house?  Do I set up playdates?  Do I get a babysitter and spend some time with John?  Do I take a moment to write a blog post?

How do I spend the last days of summer?  And how am I going to do all of the things that I want to do once school starts?

The reality is that I am not going to be able to do all of the things that I want to.  But hopefully, I will be able to find some balance. 

Balance is something I need to be happy.  Balance, however, is one of the hardest things for me to achieve.

But as I begin this new school year in a couple of short weeks, my resolution is to continue to strive towards that goal.  Balance...and perspective. 

Let's try again

It has been brought to my attention that a post I recently wrote might be somewhat misleading or that I may have misrepresented myself.  Now, I would hope that one post written in one state of mind would not be the sole representation of who I am as a person or a mother.  But, for some reason I feel the need to clear some things up:

• I love my kids and husband.  I would do anything for them.
• I sometimes wonder if people percieve me as selfish if I take time away from my family to exercise, but the reality is that if I am not happy and healthy, I cannot be a good mom or wife.  Exercise clears my mind, helps me be more patient, helps me be more efficient, gives me more energy...all things that benefit my entire family.
• I do not run every day of the week.  When I do, I am gone for 30-45 minutes on a weekday or a little longer on a Saturday morning.  I do not leave for hours at a time.  In the summers, when I am home, I leave before the kids are even awake in the morning.
• When I leave to run, the kids get to hang solo with Daddy, which they love, which he loves, and from which everyone benefits.
• I am not one to come up with creative ideas, but I can sure copy other people's ideas like a mo, and I do so with no shame.
• I have not made any popsicle stick creations with my kids, but have been known to do some handprint artwork...the ideas for which were copied completely from other people, but I hope that doesn't matter.
• I am "that mom"...sometimes.  And I do like being that mom when I can.  It happens more when I am home for the summer; it happened more when I was on maternity leave.  It would most likely not happen during that 30 minutes that I run on a weekday after school, even if I wasn't running.
• Yes, there are some things that I am unable to do with my kids.  There are only so many hours in a day.  But fortunately, while I am at work, my kids are with teachers that care about them at a wonderful school that has a phenomenal curriculum for little ones - they have music class where they learn about high notes and low notes and get to try different instruments.  Art?  I have art on my fridge, art on my walls, art stuffed into boxes.  Even Everly's two-year old class gets to go to the school library and pick a book each week.  Cortlan now knows more Spanish than I do and has had amazing multicultural experiences, from the Chinese guest teaching them about Chinese New Year to the women dressed in authentic Indian dress teaching them about Diwali.  (I had to Google it.  My kids got to experience a part of it.)  Is their day the same as it would be if they were with me?  Absolutely not.  But they love school and have tons of fun there.  I do not feel guilty about that.
• For their ages, my kids have an amazing perception of the importance of balance in life.
• We all have strengths and weaknesses.  We can't be everything at once.  That is okay.  Furthermore, we all have a bad day now and then.  That is okay, too.
• I love my kids and husband.  I would do anything for them.

99% of the time

I had a day yesterday that started off with some Mommy Guilt, was sprinkled throughout with some Mommy Guilt, and then was topped with a nice heaping of Mommy Guilt. I don't know why, because 99% of the time, I am totally happy with the choices I have made and am pretty satisfied with my abilities as a mom, but on that one day of a hundred, things tends to hit hard. Without going into all of the details (because, really, that is not what this post is about), the cherry on top was that I read a very well written blog post that called to the forefront of my mind all of the things I can't do or won't be able to do with my kids due to the fact that I work outside the home. Ironically, the poster's point was that none of us as moms should apologize for the decisions that we make for our family, as we all do what is best for our situation. I totally agree and appreciated the read. I firmly believe that we all do what is best as moms, no defense necessary.  And I am beginning to see that Mommy Guilt just comes with the territory, no matter your choices.

Anyway, in my moment yesterday, I was trying to figure out what I could give up so as to be able to spend more time with my kids. Unless we don't want to eat or have clean clothes, I couldn't come up with anything.  I thought a little bit harder, and my thoughts landed on running.

Now, it was a hard winter that included injury recovery, and I didn't get out to run much, though I did take an occasional spin class. Most of the exercising that I have done has been in my basement after the kids have gone to bed.  But during the last two weeks of spring-like weather, the pavement has been calling my name, and I have responded. It has been great. I came back from a 4-mile run on Tuesday exuberant, refreshed. Why on Wednesday was I ready to give it all up? My only conclusion: Because I was losing my mind. And even in that moment, I realized I was losing my mind, so I enlisted the help of a community of women, the Run Like a Mother FB community, to talk me down from the ledge. And talk me down they did.

I literally cried as I read the words of encouragement and support from friends and strangers telling me everything I needed to hear, reminding me why I do what I do, reminding me that it is not selfish, reminding me that quality is more important than quantity, reminding me that I am a good role model for my children. One friend posed the question, “How many parents have drawings of themselves with the caption, ‘Mommy likes to exercise’?” (It is true; Cortlan drew a picture of me exercising and asked that I write that as the caption of the picture. It is hanging on my fridge.) Another incredibly inspiring post was from a mother of a six-year-old daughter with cancer, who realizes that every moment is precious yet still runs. She proceeded to explain why and included, “Running is the ultimate metaphor for making you realize you are strong and capable of doing hard things.” She is running a half-marathon in two weeks and her daughter is proud and excited.

Yesterday, with my Mommy Guilt blinders on, I saw that running time as time lost with my kids, time during which I could instead be making popsicle stick creations, or hand print artwork. But, truthfully, that is not my reality. I am not that mom. And, to paraphrase a line from that post I was referring to earlier, I should not apologize for not being that mom.  I realize who I am.  I realize my strengths and my weakness.  And, though what works for me surely isn't the best for everyone, I realize what I need to do to be the best mom that I can be.  Honestly, it has seemed to have worked pretty well so far.  At least 99% of the time.

Oh - and another thing that I have recently realized?  I am incredibly lucky to have a strong support system of friends and family, and sometimes, even strangers.

These days...

So I haven't written in a little while because I was seriously waiting for someone to comment on my last post and give me all the secrets to balancing life.

Ok, not really.

I have just been busy...balancing.

After the insaneness that is November and December and concludes with Cortlan's birthday in January, things are finally calming down.  Well, sort of.  I mean, right now, I am typing this while chaperoning an event with the Actors' Society for which I had to spend the night at the school.  Yes.  I slept on the floor of the auditorium last night with fifteen teenagers.  Well, maybe that is an exaggeration.  I slept on an air mattress on the floor of the auditorium with fifteen teenagers.  I will eventually make it home at about 11pm tonight.  (A quick shout out to my wonderful and supportive husband who is home taking care of the kids and will bring them here to visit me after their nap today.)

But just to catch upp a little bit, here is what has been going on these days:

• I got a student teacher, which is giving me a new and refreshing perspective exactly when I needed it most.
• We booked our summer vacation to the beach, which I have found is the very best thing to do when there is snow falling down outside, adding to the inches that have been on the ground for weeks now.
• I got my motivation to run back just in time for our treadmill to go out of commission.
• We are enjoying another amazing run as Steelers fans and are planning to cook the "Christmas turkey that never thawed" on Super Bowl Sunday.  (If it isn't going to be a Christmas turkey, it might as well be a Super Bowl turkey, right?) 
• Everly is growing up at a suddenly alarming rate.  She is peeing on the potty a couple of times a day, at least.  She is taking off her own clothes (something that Cortlan was always weirdly resistant to doing) and picking out the ones that she wants to wear.  She is playing with her Snap 'n Style dolls like a big girl, dressing them and undressing them, brushing their hair.  She is playing with her blocks, building towers that are totally unstructurally sound and then transforming into Ev-zilla as she knocks them down with a belly laugh.  She is playing with anything that Cortlan plays with because she adores him like no other.  And she is saying the cutest things, like, "Daddy's home!" and "Here you go, Mommy! (Hee doh, Mommy)" and "Tah-dah!!"  Oh, and she blames all her "toots" on Cortlan.

• Cortlan is finding his groove as a four-year-old.  He has moved on to the big boy sized Legos, but still enjoys building garages for his cars with the Mega Blocks in his sister's room. He posed like a GQ model at his latest photo session.  I couldn't help but to laugh as he happily moved into whatever position he was instructed and smiled a surprisingly natural smile.  He is talking "bad guys" and "good guys" and superheroes, like the boys with big brothers that are in his class.  But his favorite color is still pink.  And he said he wants to get his sister flowers for her birthday. 

Onward to February, I suppose.  Time is passing by so quickly.

Secrets? Not really.

I sometimes share my posts on Facebook with some friends.  When I shared the last one, one of my friends commented about not knowing how full-time working moms do it without going completely insane.  Another expressed her concern for not being able to balance things once she goes back to work after a long maternity leave during which she had two children.  She asked me to share my secrets.

I have been thinking about these comments.  Because first, I do often go completely insane.  No joke.  And second, if there are secrets, I would like to know them, too!!  I mean, why hasn't some one filled me in on the secrets??

But the comments also got me wondering how I do do it.  The reality is, there are definitely times that it is easier than others.  And there are definitely times when I flat out have too much on my plate.  But even some of the average weeks go more smoothly than others, and I was trying to figure out why, and whether I do have anything worth sharing with my soon-to-be-a-working-mom-of-two friend. 

I came up with a couple of things.  And here I will begin a new installment on the blog, in the hopes that someone...anyone...will share their secrets with me, too.  Because, honestly, I ain't got much.  But what I have, I will share.  Take it for what it is worth:

Secret #1:  Plan like it is a chore.

As much as I like to be in control and know what is coming and have things planned, to be honest, I really do not like the process of planning.  I would much rather clean the toilet.  There are just too many decisions and details to consider, and it takes interrupted time and concentration to work it all out (to plan, that is, not to clean the toilet).  But when I do take the time, things definitely go much more smoothly.  I make way fewer trips to the grocery store, I spend way less time in the kitchen, my house is cleaner, and I spend more time with my kids.  I probably save more money, too.

There are things that need to be done during the week.  You know - you probably vacuum at least once.  You must do laundry.  You most likely have to get to the store.  And you definitely need to eat.  Also on that list should be the chore of planning.

For example, when I plan my meals for the week, things go much more smoothly.  The idea is this:  Decide what you are going to eat on each day of the week, figure out all of the ingredients, and make ONE trip to the store to make sure you have it all.  I can't tell you the number if times I have run to the store for an ingredient or two...And then the next day realize we are out of milk, so I run to the store again...Only to find two days later that there are no bananas in the house and I have to go back out.  Those were the weeks when I didn't get to the planning on my to-do list.  SO much time and energy wasted, not to mention the end result generally being not-as-healthy meals.  And a very irritated me.  Trust me, the effort it takes to meal plan is well worth it.  (Now, if I can remember to do it more often...)

The planning can go well beyond the meals to days that you will do certain chores, laundry, exercise.  Some people may go so far as planning free time.  But I won't bore you with all of that.  The meals are a biggie though.  Which leads me to...

Secret # 2: Leftovers

Though I would have never agreed to this as a child, as CEO of my household, I can tell you there is nothing better than leftovers:  a meal already prepared for you that you don't have to leave the house for or pay too much money on.  So do yourself a huge favor -  when you are planning those meals (see Secret #1), pick a day when you have more time and make a larger meal so that another day of the week, when you may have a little less time, you can just throw those leftovers in the microwave and not have to waste a single unnecessary moment in the kitchen.

I know that many of you, with kids, without kids, working and not working also have the things you do to balance your life and make it work for you.  Please help us all and share your secrets!!!  How do you make it work without going totally insane?